The Gossips
by Alastair
Summary: Nami reveals that she's going to marry the richest man in the world. This, of course, means Luffy, the future Pirate King! Luffy isn't so hot about the idea though, and will fight tooth and nail for his bachelorhood! Can his crew help? WILL they? COMPLETE
1. Proposal

**The Gossips**

_Proposal_

"Nami-san, I'm so happy you're all right. I thank the heavens that I saved you in time from that monstrous fiend!"

"Huh?" Nami blinked at him, "It was you that saved me, Sanji-kun?"

Sanji blinked, "You … didn't know?"

"She was knocked out, remember?" Usopp said.

"Huh!? Someone knocked her up!?" Luffy and Chopper sat up, slamming the table.

Slapping the air, Franky said, "You heard that wrong!"

"Phew! Thank goodness," Chopper said, "I don't think I'm ready to deliver a human baby. I don't have any of the material, and Doctorine's the one that dealt with mid-wives."

Luffy picked his nose, "Oh, well, that's good."

Sweating nervously, Nami patted Chopper's delighted little head, "Gee, thanks?"

Sanji knelt down onto his knees, praising her, "Ah, but Nami-san would be a goddess if she actually were to be pregnant … Not with that cursed lecher's child though!"

Usopp sweated, "Hypocrite. You're being a hypocrite …"

"Hm," Nami said, "he's definitely not my type anyway."

"Nami-san-!"

"Nope."

"Ouch," Usopp and Luffy winced, watching as Sanji dropped to his hands and knees.

Robin giggled softly, setting down her coffee, "So what is your type?"

Lurching to her feet, berry signs appeared in Nami's eyes as she clasped her hands together, "I'm going to marry the richest man in the world!"

Brook touched his cheekbone, surprised, "Ah! Who would have guessed?"

"We did," the others – sans Sanji – said.

"Nami-chan, if that's true," Robin said, "then isn't your future husband here?" When Nami frowned questioningly at her, Robin said, "When Luffy becomes the Pirate King, he'll be the richest man in the world, right?"

"Oh, she's right!" Turning, Nami pointed at him, and Luffy's jaw actually dropped to the floor, "I'll marry you then."

"What!? No way!"

"To the shitty captain!?"

Reaching over, she grabbed Luffy's nose, and yanked on it before releasing it into his face, "It's already settled! I'm marrying the richest man in the world, and you're going to be the Pirate King! We're getting married when that happens, got it, Captain?"

"You can't be serious!" The rest of the crew only watched on in wide-eyed horror or wonder as they faced each other, "And what kind of proposal is that!? I've gotten better!"

"You're never going to do better than me, Monkey D. Luffy!" Suddenly facing away, she said, "Ah, I like the sound of it already. Monkey Nami!"

"Quit it!"

"I'm not changing my mind on this matter," she smiled – rather creepily if one would ask Luffy, "dear."

Luffy said, "It's not funny anymore, Nami!"

Grabbing his shirt, she seemed to exude doom onto him, "Who's laughing?"

As he heard the resident chef peel into sobs, Luffy felt like crying too.

!#&()+

Zoro burst out into raucous laughter when he heard the news, sometimes pointing at Sanji and sometimes at Luffy, but he mostly just guffawed. He said, "I thought you said only someone extremely brave would marry that woman! Nothing changed, right, Captain?"

"I did say that! Nami's not listening to me!"

Chopper raised his hoof, "Luffy, when you want human babies-"

"We're not getting married, and we're not having kids!"

Sanji bit his collar, "It's not fair, Nami-swan!"

"If she was listening to me, I'd make her marry you instead!" Luffy said. "You either got to be brave or brain-dead to marry her!"

"Shit face, I don't want to hear that from _you_!"

"Brain-dead fits you perfectly though, Luffy," Usopp said, and sweated as Luffy's eyes bulged out in realization.

"I take it back!"

Franky finally set down his Cola with a wide grin, "Oi, Straw Hat, calm down. Look on the bright side. Sister Nami's a right fine woman."

He scoffed, "Yeah, but would _you_ want to bed her?"

"Good luck, Straw Hat!"

"Answer me!"

Laughing, Usopp patted Luffy's shoulder, "Hey, he's right, you know. Don't you think she's gorgeous?"

"She's cute, but that's all she's got going for her," Luffy said. "I'd shrivel up and die on our honeymoon – she'd sap the life right out of me. Like what that croc did! She's a witch!"

"But, Luffy! If you do ever want human babies-!"

"I don't wanna!"

Zoro rubbed his chin, "Well, even so, he'd have to worry about what she'd charge him too. I don't think even a wedding ring would cull that woman's lust for money."

"Ah!?" Franky banged his fist down, "You think she'd charge him even if they were married!?"

"That's awful! I don't wanna!"

Usopp thumbed his nose, "I bet it's a hefty price to make her carry a child of the infamous Pirate King too."

Luffy stamped his foot, "I'm not paying Nami anything!"

"So you'd do it?"

"Hell no!"

"Yohoho! The lovely Nami as a bedmate would be a fine thing. Seeing her in her panties all the time … Why if I-"

They shouted at Brook, "No Skull Joke!"

Abruptly the door to the men's bunker opened, and they looked up to see Nami looming in the doorway, "Shut your mouths in there! We're trying to get some sleep!"

"Nami, I'm not marrying you!"

"You don't have a choice in the matter!"

"Marry Zoro instead! He'll be the best swordsman in the world! Isn't that something?"

"And still dirt poor! I wouldn't touch him with all of my clothes on _and_ with a ten-foot pole! You're my future husband, and that's final!" She slammed the door shut.

"Mellorine …?"

!#&()+

_No, I haven't abandoned _Dreamless_ or anything… I might just put _TWOO _on hiatus though. I'll find some time to sit down and watch that movie during the summer, and hopefully, I'll get inspired again, so don't worry. This story, however, is just for fun, so sorry, but they'll be short chapters._

!#&()+


	2. Mission

**The Gossips**

_Mission_

"I'm going to die," Luffy said, slumped over _Sunny_'s railing with Usopp and Chopper. "She's going to butcher me alive, and Sanji will serve me for breakfast."

"Well, if you two want human babies-"

"Quit freaking me out!"

Usopp shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you, Luffy. She's dead set on marrying you. Might as well enjoy whatever ride she's going to drag you through."

"Like in bed?" Luffy rubbed his nose then, trying not to cringe.

"Ah, sure."

"Still can't see it. She's going to beat me up, and then toss me into the fish tank."

Sighing, Usopp said, "There's got to be some good coming from it."

"Like human babies?"

"Chopper, you're not helping!"

"Indeed," the three turned to blink at Sanji who was standing behind them. "In any case, this is a grave tragedy, and since the captain is as adamant as I in this matter, we must take action. Normally, I would never do anything to take pleasure from my sweet Nami-san, but I fear shit for brains will make her miserable for the rest of her life."

"Oi, oi."

"That's it!" Usopp said.

They glanced at him, and Luffy said, "What is?"

"That's what you got to do, Luffy," he said, lowering his voice just in case, and they leaned in to hear him better. "If you don't want to marry her, you got to make sure she doesn't want to marry _you_."

"Ah?"

"Make her miserable."

"Don't you dare, rubber man!"

Usopp pushed Sanji's face away, "Listen, Luffy. You just have to make sure she doesn't want to marry you. If she doesn't like Sanji's type, then try acting like him. She doesn't like Zoro either, so start wasting your money more than usual. Oh! And start demanding stuff from her."

He blinked, "Demanding what?"

"You're her future husband-to-be, right? Tell her you want to be able to see her panties or something."

"Huh!?"

Pulling out his notepad, he started writing, "Act like Sanji and Zoro, ask for her panties …"

Luffy tilted his head, "I gotta act like Brook too?"

He grinned, "It couldn't hurt. Oh, you should try pinching her butt."

"She'd murder me!"

"And she won't want to marry you, idiot! You should start slow though or she'll figure out what we're doing. Go ask for her panties." Luffy blanched until Usopp made shooing motions at him, "Get moving!"

Pouting, Luffy headed for the women's room, wondering how it had come down to this. He stood in front of their door for a little while before glancing back at a drowsy looking but curious Zoro, and then he faced the door again. After a moment, he knocked.

"Come in," said Nami, and Luffy finally entered, doing his best not to drag his feet.

She raised a thin brow at him, and Robin smiled softly. Closing her book, Robin rose to leave the room, saying, "I'm going to see how nice the weather is."

"Mm," he said, still staring at Nami who shifted uneasily.

She said, "What is it? You wanted something, right, Luffy? Spit it out."

Taking a deep breath, he held out a hand, "If I'm gonna be your husband, I want your panties."

"Huh?"

"If you're not going to give me 'em, how do I know you if you'll give me any when we're married?"

"Oh, I see," she smiled. "You want some proof, Captain?" Rising from her chair, she put her hands on her hips, "Sounds easy enough. Turn around."

Luffy frowned softly before he did so, staring at the door with some boredom until he heard the soft shifting of clothes. For a moment, he did not quite understand what he was hearing until he realized it was the gentle rasp of cloth against skin. He began to sweat, wondering just what exactly Nami was doing, and then something landed on his shoulder. Blinking, he glanced over to see a pair of green panties resting there.

Looking back at her, Luffy tilted his head when she sat back down nonchalantly, "I'm going to read now. You have fun."

Hesitantly reaching up, he took the panties into his hand, and then blinked rapidly at the warmth of her underwear, "Huh?"

Then something clicked in his head.

"You just-!?"

She giggled, and waved, crossing her legs. Sometimes, if Luffy was especially lucky, he could see her panties whenever she did this, however, this time he received more of an eyeful than he ever had in the past.

"I don't care what you do with them. Go ahead and keep them if you want."

Quickly backing out of the room, he shoved the still warm panties into his pocket, and then swallowed hard as Usopp stepped forward when the door was shut, "So? How'd it go? Did she freak out?"

"I … I don't wanna talk about it."

"But you have to tell me or else how will we advance the plans?"

"I don't wanna!"

"You don't want to advance the plans?"

Luffy rushed away, "I don't wanna!"

"But what's that even supposed to mean!? Luffy!"

!#&()+

_Aah, poor Luffy. Or is that lucky? I'm not sure yet …_

**kingofpetrovia:** _Yes, kingofpetrovia, yes, she does._

**MewPirate: **_Wait no more. But … then wait for the one after this too._

**Mihase: **_I'm relying on her witchy ways in this story really._

**Confession68: **_Malspritulo. Kial vi diris tion al mi? SNIFF._

**penguin: **_I know. Haha._

**Super Blue: **_And I intend to do better!_

**Bleaked: **_Me neither. I've seen it mentioned here and there, but nothing full-fledged like this._

**LuffysAngel: **_Yahyah. __**Poor**__ Luffy. Or so he wishes – that would chase Nami away._

**NopeJustMe:**_ I did imagine. Too bad his family isn't involved in this story … haha, maybe in a sequel though?_

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_Again, nope, not that story._

**Sonicmario: **_Nami's never OOC when it involves __**her**__ money!_

!#&()+


	3. Reconnaissance

**The Gossips**

_Reconnaissance_

"All right, Luffy," Usopp said that night in their bunks. "Now you _really_ got to tell us. What happened?"

"Come on, Straw Hat," Franky groaned, "tell him already so we can get some shut-eye. He won't shut up about whatever you and Sister Nami did."

Luffy reached into his pocket, and threw the panties at Usopp, "There! Are you happy?"

The sniper stared at the panties that had landed in his lap for all of a few seconds before he cringed, and tossed them away, "Are you kidding me!? She couldn't-! She didn't-!"

"She can, and she did! And she did worse than that!"

At this point, Brook had gotten to the green pair of panties, happily admiring them when Usopp said, "How could anything be worse?"

Luffy said, pointing at the panties in Brook's boney fingers, "She made me turn around, and she took _those_ off."

"But … how would you know that if you weren't looking?"

The color drained from Luffy's face, and he looked away from them, "They were still warm."

"What!?"

Sanji exploded, "Why would Nami-san give her lovely smelling panties to a shitty squirt like you!?"

"When did you sniff them!?" Zoro and Franky said, slapping the air.

"I don't get it," Chopper said, taking the panties from Brook, and spreading them out to look at them. "What's so great about panties? I thought male humans liked their female human naked. Panties are clothes, right?"

"Ah, but panties touch and caress the most delicate and sacred place of a woman's body," Sanji said. "This mere scrap of cloth is more than just clothes." Stretching his arm out, Luffy took the panties from Chopper, and put them back in his pocket. "It is the temple in which – hey, wait! We weren't done looking at those!"

Scratching his cheek, Luffy said, "I think I'm going to give 'em back to her tomorrow."

"What for?" Usopp said, "She gave them to you."

"What am I going to do with 'em though?"

Zoro scoffed, "Perverts smell panties – I think that's what your lady-love expects you to do with them."

"She's not my lady-love!"

"Well, she's not mine either, and I intend to keep it that way."

Sanji stomped his foot, "Oi, shit green head! You should be helping us get Luffy out of Nami-san's radar. She'll be devastated with him as a husband!"

"I don't care. As long as she doesn't set her eyes on me, I encourage this union."

"No, Zoro, you gotta help me! She'll murder me!"

Suddenly, Zoro bowed his head, and folded his arms serenely, "I'll make sure to place meat on your grave."

Luffy shook Zoro's shoulders, "No, that's a waste of meat!"

"That's not what you should be worried about!" Brook and Usopp slapped nothing in the air.

"Oh yeah! Zoro, help me!"

Scratching his chin, he said, "I bet those panties cost quite a bit."

"Huh?"

"There's a bunch of perverts that like used panties, and pay through their _nose_ to get even one pair."

Luffy looked at Usopp who blanched, and said, "What're you looking at me for!?"

"Give me the panties," Zoro said. "That way, I can sell 'em for a king's ransom, and pay off some of my debt to that witch."

"Shit-faced stick waver," Sanji said, "she'd never see a berry's worth."

"You'd spend it on booze," Usopp said.

He drooped then, crossing his arms with a heavy sigh, "Captain's on his own then."

Captain Luffy slumped inside of his hammock, and groaned, "I'm gonna shrivel up and die. Nami's gonna kill me in my sleep, and eat my soul …"

"Not my problem."

"Shrivel up and die …" he bemoaned.

"Perhaps, it will be like praying mantises mating, and you'll still get the chance to bone her. Oh! Yohoho! Skull Joke!"

Zoro scowled, "Shut up! I'm trying to sleep here."

"She's gonna suck the life out of me, Zoro … What'll I do …?"

"Damn it, go to sleep!"

!#&()+

_Damn, these were so much fun to write … And yes, I don't like that they're short too, but you're going to have to bear through it with me. It's just the style I want for the story since it's dialogue-heavy._

**Eun-Jung: **_Even though it's just for fun, I'd like to know if there's anything I could improve on still. It's not quite the same if someone doesn't complain a little, so tell me something._

**Saint Dezzie: **_Yes, very true._

**Maddi: **_Haha. When that happens, I guess I know I've done my job, huh?_

**stranger109: **_Of course, I'll keep writing this!_

**CB93: **_Confused and perhaps a little horny._

**RyougaZell: **_Golly gee thanks._

**SwordsofFury: **_Nice to know!_

**layla15: **_Updated._

**LuNafan: **_Those are some actually note-worthy ideas. I've gotten some really bad ones in the past, but these are great. One of which I was toying with already. With your blessing, I'd like to use and warp them into my own liking._

**MewPirate: **_Not really … I actually have a few other chapters written already. Sometimes, it just flows out of me for this piece._

**penguin: **_No, you funny._

**Sonicmario: **_All right, for your eyes only … and anyone else that deigns to read this. That … wasn't really the sequel per se. It was the __**idea behind it**__. Thriller Bark had ended, but even so, that wasn't the right time for the sequel to begin. I realized I had to wait for them to reach the New World to give their relationship the time to develop, but with Fishman Island, Duval, and this new Kidd character … Well, I think you get the picture. The real sequel will have to wait for Oda._

**DrogoGraham: **_As you can see, Brook found out._

**blackbet: **_Wow, I'm even getting international recognition. Nice._

**Phantom 4 Life: **_NO, YOU ROCK._

**Confession68:**_ Mentioning of bedding Nami will appear everywhere. Haha._

**Mihase: **_Apparently, everyone does. But really, I just did it as close to how I thought Oda would do this._

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_Deranged. Instinct._

!#&()+


	4. Strategy

**The Gossips**

_Strategy_

"Luffy," Usopp said, "you should ask for her panties again tomorrow, and see if she does the same thing." Blood dripped out his nose, and Luffy covered his face with both hands while shaking his head hard. With a frown, Usopp said, "You got to keep it up, Luffy. Keep being a jerk, and she'll go away all on her own."

After a moment, Luffy pulled down his hands, wiping away the blood, but he left a crimson smear across his cheek, "I don't want her to go away though …"

Zoro raised his hand, but Sanji kicked it down.

"Not like that," Usopp said. "She won't want to get married to you. That's the plan, remember?"

Luffy nodded then, "Right, I remember."

"That's why you have to ask for her panties again."

"I wonder if she's going to run out if he keeps taking them," Chopper said.

The blood shot out in a spray that time, and he wobbled right out of his hammock. Franky poked his head easily from where he was lying in his own hammock, "Straw Hat? What's wrong?"

"No … panties …?" Luffy said.

Sanji snapped into fawning, "Ah, if only I could see such a precious sight! Dear sweet Nami-swan!"

"She crossed her legs."

All of them leaned forward out of their hammocks as if to hear him better, "Huh?"

"Nami crossed her legs after she gave me her panties."

Sanji stood up, and then picked him up by the scruff of the back of his shirt, "I wonder how rubber tastes with glaze."

"Do it! Nami's going to kill me anyway."

He dropped him, "Oh, well then, maybe I'll leave it to her."

Luffy punched the floor with his fists repeatedly, "You can't leave me to die! I'm your captain, Sanji! Help me!"

"Nami-san will kill you in a much more satisfying manner, I believe."

Paling, Luffy said, "I don't wanna …" Suddenly, he perked, and turned to Sanji, "If I'm lucky, maybe she'll kill me _after_ the honeymoon …"

Sanji burst into tears, "All right, I'll help you!"

The door slammed open again for the second night in a row, and there again stood Nami. She raised a fist, glaring at the lot of them, "What'd I tell you jerks last night!? Shut up, and let us sleep!"

Usopp yanked on Luffy's ear to whisper into it, "Ask if you can sleep with her tonight."

"Wha-!?"

Slapping his hand over his mouth, Usopp said, "If you keep up the act, she'll leave you alone for good."

He glowered at the sniper before he ran to stop Nami from shutting the door, "Nami, Nami!"

Turning with a fierce expression, she said, "What."

"I ah … you … sleep together tonight?"

Abruptly she was smiling, and Luffy found that far more terrifying. She said, "Not until the honeymoon, and you're filthy rich, my dear Pirate King."

She slammed the door in his face.

Luffy groaned, leaning his back against the door while frowning at Usopp. He said, "That was scary."

"What was that!? You have to demand it from her," Usopp said. "You're the one that would be her husband. Take charge!"

"What if it's like the panties though!? I'll shrivel up and die earlier!"

"Nami-san would never deface herself in such a manner!"

Luffy clutched at his own neck, "She already took off her panties though. I don't want to know what else she'll do."

"All right," Usopp said. "You won't ask again for while. You need to toughen up against anything Nami will throw at you. Next time you ask to sleep with her, you have to do it like a real big jerk."

"I have to ask for her panties still though?"

Zoro said, "The offer's still up for taking them off your hands."

"Oh, and pat her butt."

"No way!" Sanji and Luffy said.

!#&()+

Luffy slipped into the women's room when Robin left it, hoping that she didn't notice him. Going to the drawers, he opened Nami's to look for her underwear drawer. Though Usopp had told him repeatedly to keep the panties, Luffy just didn't see any point or use that he had for a scrap of cloth from a woman he didn't really want.

When he finally found the drawer of what he mostly recognized as Nami's underwear, the door opened behind him, and he froze.

"Oh, did you want more?" He turned to look at her, and she was smiling coyly, "You just have to ask me, Luffy. So go ahead. Ask me anything, Captain."

"I … I thought you might want these back," he shoved the green panties toward her.

"How about a trade?" She lifted the side of her skirt to press that side of her panties down, exposing her bare hip to Luffy. As blood dripped down over his lips, she said with a confident smile, "So you liked those ones, huh?"

"Yeah … yeah, I did," he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Turn around, and I'll give you this pair then, Captain."

He did so, flushing as he continued to recall that smooth, soft skin beneath the cloth, and he listened to the soft rasp of her panties going down her thighs. Luffy had to bite his lip in order to force away the dirty thoughts rushing through his mind.

However, they all returned when she leaned against his back and revealed the fresh pair in front of his face. His pupils dilated, and, recalling the words from the night before, he inhaled its scent, which caused a small stirring in his loins.

Snatching the pair away, he moved for the door as he shoved them into his pocket, "Thanks, Nami!"

When he happened to glance at her on his way out, Nami was smiling victoriously, giving him the sneaking suspicion that he had just walked into something.

!#&()+

_For anyone slightly confused, this is kind of the second part of the last chapter – as in, this is still the same night. It's just that while I was splitting up parts for chapters, this part was twice as long as everything else, so I had to split it in half._

**mystic-Hoshi: **_Well, you should __**start**__!_

**the osiris: **_DON'T JINX ME._

**Shinjite Florana: **_Thanks for saying so!_

**Plain.Game.: **_Mellorine …_

**Straw Hat Melody: **_More torture is to come._

**Cybertoy00: **_They were talking about buying through __**noses**__ to get used panties, so he naturally looked at Usopp!_

**Animegal9215: **_It's fun to write, honestly!_

**Saint Dezzie: **_Zoro has no common sense, which is why he's asking for panties to sell 'em for booze._

**wanna-go-to-a-place: **_Nami can wear whatever color underwear she wants thank you! Besides, makes for more fun in your fantasies, yes? Mix and match!_

**MewPirate: **_Hahaha, yes … 'friends.' Hahaha._

**Eun-Jung: **_No such thing as being too happy. It might slow down later on anyway as more interaction between the uh … betrotheds(?) occur. I usually only save thoughts or little breather spots for when it's just two characters talking as you'll see in the upcoming Chapter 5. With the Straw Hat Crew, this is still a little difficult though seeing as they usually say exactly what's on their mind anyway! I love writing for Zoro's dialogue, and about the sometimes extremely stupid crap that he does. If Oda hadn't made him that way, Zoro might've been my least favorite Straw Hat, but he's got a decent spot at third due to his moronic ways. So, much luff to stick-boy._

**RyougaZell: **_There's more coming between those two, just wait and see._

**Confession68: **_He does so in this chapter, but I already explained that to you earlier anyway._

**Sonicmario: **_Hahahaha._

**LuNaFan:**_I know, I keep yelling at Ryo about it to no avail. And actually, every time Luffy got his bounty upped is when he helped a chick that's part of his crew … All right, this is the __**only**__ time I'll ever admit to Vivi being a part of his crew, but only this once!_

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_Frank, you're ten of the most boring people I know._

!#&()+


	5. Subterfuge

**The Gossips**

_Subterfuge_

It took about a half hour to realize it, but Franky did realize that Luffy wasn't going to leave any time soon. He pulled up his sunglasses, and looked at his captain, "Listen here, Straw Hat, I'm trying to work, and you're in the way."

"But I'm dying, Franky …"

"No," he said calmly, putting down his sunglasses before turning to his work, "you're _going_ to die. There's a difference."

"Franky, help!"

He frowned, looking down at the young man that was clinging to his ankle, "I still don't really see what the hubbub is. Sister Nami's gorgeous with a great build, smart noggin, and quite the sailor. If the title for Pirate Queen was up for grabs, she'd get it in a heartbeat."

Luffy looked up at him with a glower, "You're not helping."

"Did you just come down here to whine?"

"Nami keeps staring at me," he said suddenly. "I think she's trying to beam death at me."

"If she kills you before she marries you, she can't fulfill her wish to marry the richest man in the world. You want to help her achieve her dreams, right?"

"I don't wanna die after we reach our dreams though! She's gonna kill me, Franky!" He pointed accusingly at him, "And you don't even care!"

"Nope, not really."

Luffy slumped back onto the floor, and moaned.

Sighing, Franky put down his hammer, and said, "Listen … I think you need to know something."

Lifting his head, Luffy watched as the shipwright turned to face him with a rather somber expression. Swallowing nothing, he said, "What is it?"

"About the birds and the bees …"

"I already know all that stuff!" With a great huff, he turned to get up, walking to the door. This was thwarted, however, when Franky grabbed his shoulder, and yanked him back into the room, "What the!?"

"You're still a greenhorn! A wet behind the ears captain! Sister Nami's gonna need a _man_ when the honeymoon comes!"

Luffy said, trying to escape the room in a manly way by grasping the doorframe to pull himself out, "I am a man!"

"Then tell me where the clitoris is."

"The _huh_?"

Franky pulled him over, slamming the door closed.

!#&()+

"I have to touch her to die." Luffy said hollowly.

Usopp raised a brow at him, and said, "Of course, you do. That's part of the tragedy that is your would-be death."

"How do I do it though?"

"Don't ask me. Apparently, Franky will tell you anything about it."

"That's not what I mean! How do I touch her knowing she's going to kill me even after doing all … all of that!?" Luffy grabbed Usopp's shoulder, shaking him slightly, "I don't think I can do it, Usopp."

"We won't let it come to that," he said, shoving Luffy back at arm's length, and he raised a finger knowingly. "It's time to start with the rest of our plans. Unfortunately, you're going to have to touch her to do it."

Luffy twitched, remembering all of those bawdy stories, the placement of pleasure points he had never heard of, and the _techniques_.

He shook his head hard, "I don't wanna."

"Relax," he said, and Luffy actually believed in him in that moment, and did relax. "You just have to pat her butt."

"No! My hand will shrivel up, and die!"

Usopp clamped his hand over his mouth, and made the shushing motion, "And not just any pat, Luffy. You have to _grab_ her butt."

The color had already left his cheeks, but Luffy was soon reinventing white, and he shook his head hard – still having Usopp's hand on his mouth.

"It'll be fine. Just remind her that you're her future husband, and that's what you're looking forward to or something."

Luffy pulled away to breathe, and then said, "You do it! Say it's from me!"

"Can you imagine how much she'd charge me?"

"Forget that! Imagine what she's gonna ask Sanji for lunch after she murders me!"

"No," Usopp said, "there's still a chance you'd live through it. I say go for it, Luffy." With such said, he spun Luffy around, and pointed past him and out the little window in the door to the captain's betrothed.

She was talking to Sanji, laughing with him about something they couldn't hear. Luffy twitched uncomfortably, suddenly recalling Franky's advice again, and all the awkward reactions it had created. Usopp gave him a great, big shove however, and Luffy found himself hobbling toward Nami.

Luck was on Luffy's side since Sanji turned to him then to say, "I bet your gut's about to eat itself. I'll get dinner ready."

As he stared down Nami while the cook walked away, Luffy realized that he didn't feel very hungry, "Uh … hey."

She raised a brow at him, "What is it?"

He decided that he hated Usopp at that moment, reached over, and slammed his hand onto her left cheek, pulling her near. Her eyes bulged, and her astonishment made him nervous, so he leaned down to take advantage of it, saying the first thing that came into his otherwise very empty head, "Oh, good. It fits right in my hand."

As clarity returned to her eyes, she grabbed the front of his shirt with both fists to yank him even closer, and she said breathily, "I really like how it fits, Captain."

Biting his tongue, he released her before he got out of her clutches, wobbling back into the bunker and to Usopp with wide, traumatized eyes.

"There, there," he said, "it's all over now. She didn't kill you."

Behind them, Zoro began to clap, "Keep it up, Captain, and maybe you can convince your fiancée to lay off on my debts."

"I don't wanna …"

!#&()+

_Uh … I've got about three more chapters ready after this one, but I still feel like I need to slow down. But then, I am writing pretty fast … Also, Rusty Boyo is planning something involving this story. I haven't checked the LJ community lately to see if she's posted it yet, but I hope you're all surprised if she goes through with it._

_Sure as hell surprised and pleased me._

**layla15: **_I REFUSE TO TELL. But my team lead really likes shots and martinis._

**Midori Blue: **_Good, I likes the unusuals. Yah, who knows what she's up to._

**MewPirate: **_Maybe … some day … in some later chapter …_

**wanna-go-to-a-place: **_Updated._

**Animegal9215: **_He knows how he got into it, it's the getting out he can't figure out._

**Sonicmario: **_I … don't … remember?_

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_You're lucky I love you for the money, heather, else I'd leave your sorry ass._

**Mihase: **_There is no secret desire – only misery …!_

**Confession68: **_yer face_

**LuNaFan: **_Why … would Nojiko have joined? She hadn't been with them at all, they weren't even really helping __**her**__, it was for Nami really._

**RyougaZell: **_I say let Luffy fret about the witch that wants to marry him all he wants. After all, it's proving to be rather entertaining._

!#&()+


	6. Camouflage

**The Gossips**

_Camouflage_

Luffy glared at the panties.

This pair was white, and he was pretty certain she was somehow taunting him through this remarkably clean apparatus. He twitched slightly, shifting on his butt when he grew uncomfortable. He had been holding the panties out at arm's length by the very tip of his finger and thumb, but had since then dropped them.

"What're you going to do with them?" Chopper said, peeking over Luffy's shoulders while he got up on the tips of his hooves.

"I don't know," he said, hugging his knees. After half a second, he turned to him, "Hey, do you know how to make her stop? Or at least make her stop staring at me?"

He tilted his head, lifting the brim of his pink hat slightly, "Maybe next time some guy says he likes her, you could fight and lose to him."

Luffy made a face, "What would that do?"

"Well, that way, he'd win, and get Nami instead of you, and she'd carry his calves instead."

"Huh?"

"You keep saying how you don't want to have human babies, so I thought you didn't want to mount her, and-"

"Don't call it that!"

Chopper then smiled, "Maybe you could wear different pheromones."

He blinked, "You mean get a new shirt?"

"No, your smell," he said.

"You don't smell like a bed of roses either, bub!"

Chopper grew, his head hitting against and dislodging a bunk bed as he stood over Luffy, "That's not what I mean!" While Luffy gazed at him unimpressed, he tried to explain, saying, "Humans emit chemicals into the air, and while they aren't as in tune as animals, humans can be affected by them too. Nami might be attracted to some kind of smell coming off you."

"Yeah," Luffy said, "she smells crisp bills."

As he shrank back down, he said, "Huh? I don't …"

"She's got a super future smelling snoz, and she can smell my future fortune. That's why she's chasing me, Chopper."

"You got to try though! Maybe the new pheromones will cover the money smell!"

"Where would I get new penuries though?"

"I could take it out of sweat, but …"

Beaming, Luffy dropped a fist into his palm, "Zoro sweats all the time, and Nami said she'd _never_ marry him! Chopper, we got to steal Zoro's phonograms!"

"I _can_ hear you," Zoro grunted from his bunk. "I don't want to risk that witch liking my armpits of all things, so don't even try it. Besides, I'm taking a nap right now."

Luffy swiped his swords, and ran.

!#&()+

"Luffy," Chopper said, "you should probably take a shower before you put this on. You were sweating a lot too, so you have to get rid of those pheromones."

Grinning, he swiped the bottle, and nodded with a wide grin, "Okay!"

"Oh, and if you're ever going to change your mind about the human babies, and mount-"

"Quit freaking me out, damn it! I'm not changing my mind about this. Nami's creepy and scary and there are _panties_ in my pocket I just don't know what to do with at all!"

Sighing, he said, "Well, all right, just remember to get rid of your own pheromones with a shower."

Luffy patted his shoulder, "Thanks, Chopper, you might've just saved my life."

"Shut up, damn it! That doesn't please me one bit," Chopper said, laughing happily. "Go drown, you jerk!"

Snickering, Luffy ran out of the med bay to head towards the bathroom. He had just stripped his shirt while going through the library when a voice made him pause in mid-step, "Luffy! What is that _smell_?"

He glanced to the side only to see Nami fresh out of the shower. She was clothed, but a towel was lying across her shoulders to keep her hair from getting her clothes wet. As he stared at her, he realized her hair was getting longer as it was touching her shoulders in its wet state.

Brightening, he lifted up the bottle to show her the pheromones Chopper had recently extracted, "You mean this?"

She frowned, batting his hand away, "I mean _you_. You better be taking a shower up there, and not playing super hero with the towels again."

Luffy blinked, looked at the bottle, and then at her, "Are you sure it's not this?"

"Idiot, you're the one that smells like sweaty socks," she said.

Blanching, he undid the cap on the bottle to shove it under her nose, "No, Nami, you really got to smell it."

With a sigh, she took the bottle, and sniffed it delicately before she raised a brow, "Smell what exactly? This doesn't smell like anything. All I can smell is you, and you stink."

Luffy scowled, taking it away to smell it before he gaped, "How's this supposed to do anything if she can't smell it, Chopper!?"

"Eh?" She blinked, "What did Chopper do?"

"Nothing!" With such said, Luffy tossed the bottle right out the window, and crossed his arms in a pout, "All that running, and Nami can't even smell the prolepsis."

She touched his lower back with one finger, sliding it up his sweaty back, and he froze, feeling a shudder climb up his spine with her fingertip. Nami said, "Oh, I don't know. You certainly look good even if you don't smell it, Captain."

As she turned to leave, Luffy was suddenly stricken with a very difficult decision. If he took a shower as prescribed, he'd be catering to Nami's olfactory sense, but if he ignored her, he would possibly have to deal with more of her staring. He pulled at his slightly damp hair, trying to think as he ground his teeth together. Nothing was really making sense anymore, and he found it hard to think when he could still feel her fingertip sliding up his back.

Finally, he trudged to the bathroom, climbing up the ladder to crawl into the spa, and he lied in front of the door there, trying to think. Someone knocked on the door after a while, and he said, "Come in."

Usopp popped his head in before he blinked, "Hey, Luffy, what're you just lying there for?"

Glancing up at him, he sat up with a smile, "We gotta play super heroes again, Usopp!"

Thus, at least until dinner, Luffy forgot all about his dilemma.

!#&()+

_Man, do I love the word bub, and the little smile on my face as I think about Luffy saying it to others … And man, do I have ever the headache. Didn't get any sleep last night, so someone please cheer me up with a review or something._

**Shinjite Florana: **_If it was __**poor**__ Luffy, this wouldn't be happening, remember?_

**LuNaFan: **_No, no, I'm saying Nojiko was never a crewmember – nor was she really ever going to be._

**MewPirate: **_Ah? Nami? Forget … about __**money**__? Not seeing this …_

**Space Hero of Chaos: **_WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TWO?_

**wanna-go-to-a-place: **_Pffff … I think you are a little right though, so the next few chapters are a little longer. I was being a bit stingy about the length of chapters, so I'll relax now. And I think it's called LuffyxNami._

**Hero07: **_If it was __**poor**__ Luffy, problem solved._

**ImmerKlein: **_Haha, bonus points for guessing what show inspired that little scene._

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_No, he grabbed her butt. Goosey boy._

!#&()+


	7. Offense

The Gossips

**The Gossips**

_Offense_

Sanji's eye tweaked as he listened, and he said, "Nami-san likes sweaty men?"

"She said I smelled awful though," he said, staring up and through the ceiling in his desolation. "I still haven't showered yet."

"We noticed," Usopp and Zoro said.

"How could I!?" Luffy said, "The sweat dried up, but the smell stayed, and Nami quit bugging me."

"I sweat all day long over a hot stove, and she's never told me how much she liked it!"

"She keeps beaming death rays at me! Or staring holes into me! I hate it!" Rolling onto his stomach, he said, "She should just get it over with if she's gonna kill me."

"What do I have to do to get her attention!?"

Usopp rubbed his chin slowly, "Our other attempt backfired too …"

"And now I got another pair of panties I don't know what to do with," Luffy said.

Brook and Zoro raised their hands, which Sanji's foot stamped down before his eye narrowed, and he looked at Usopp, "Wait, what other attempt?"

Usopp sweated, and made a cross over his heart, "I swore never to tell."

Blinking, Luffy said, "Eh? No, you didn't."

"Well, I'm swearing now!"

"Whatever," Franky said, waving Sanji off. "It's your turn, Straw Hat. You might as well enjoy it while you have it."

Luffy shook his head into his pillow, "I'm not in the mood."

Snorting with a slight grin, Zoro said, "You'd have to wait a full two weeks before your next turn, Luffy. You either got to get in the mood now or let it backup in your system."

He grimaced at this, trying to think again with minimal success, and then he said, "How about I trade with someone?"

"Hah!" Sanji reclined into his bunk bed, putting out his cigarette, "We set the rules in stone, Luffy, and there's no trading timeslots. Either you take your turn now, and do your business, or wait two weeks."

Luffy lifted his head to look at the only member not on their schedule, and he abruptly felt very jealous of Chopper who didn't have to deal with the hormones of his age and gender since he was a reindeer. Luffy almost wished he were a cool seven-transformation reindeer as well.

"I'd have thought you'd really be in the mood after your day," Usopp said. "You were alone in the library with Nami, and even got a handful of her butt."

"He what?" Sanji loomed over Usopp, lighting a cigarette.

Striving for peace after realizing his slip, Usopp said, "It was just a pat. Really! Barely anything!"

Sanji turned on Luffy, almost bursting into flames, "You. Shit. Eater."

"Ah?" He blinked up at his cook before digging into his pocket to toss the panties at him.

"Mellorine!" Sanji pressed the pure, white cloth to his cheek, gently rubbing against it, "Oh, sweet, beautiful goddess, how I wish you were here with me now! Feeling this lovely cloth pressed against your actual skin would be a thrill and a tease all in one!"

"That's it!" Luffy jumped out of his bed, and ran for the door.

"Huh!? Luffy, wait!" Shoving past a nearly catatonic Sanji, Usopp said, "What's it? What're you doing?"

"Getting Nami!"

Shutting the door behind him, he turned to stretch his arm out to catapult himself onto the higher deck. He knocked on the girls' door then, and crossed his arms as he waited. He heard as the door of the men's bunker opened and closed while some of the crew found places to watch in secret. They either hid on the stairs or they were tall enough to peek through the space between the railings.

The door opened, and Nami squinted out at him, "What is it?"

Grabbing her wrist, he pulled her out to let the door shut, and he said, "You got to help me get off, Nami."

She snapped to attention, absolutely appalled, "What!?"

"It's my turn tonight, and I thought you could help me get in the mood."

"Turn? What …? Why you …!" Yanking a hand free, it formed into a fist which was shook under his nose, "Coming to me in the dead of night, asking me _that_, and – and … smelling like something _died_ in your hair! Why do you expect me to comply?"

"What's wrong with it? You're going to be my future wife anyway. It's just touching."

Her fist slammed into his face, sending him to the deck, "You're not touching anything until you're King of the Pirates!" With a growl, she turned to stomp into her room, "Of all the nerve!"

Luffy grinned victoriously up at the night sky before he dragged himself back to the men's room. As he rubbed his cheek, he sniggered to himself while those that had watched piled in again.

Zoro poked Sanji – who had stayed behind to marvel over the panties – with the end of his sword, "Looks like the idiot took his turn already."

"I thought he said no trading," Usopp said.

Sanji glowered at them, "Nothing happened, you shit holes. I was only admiring these fine, beautiful panties."

Luffy grinned as he realized they weren't going to tell Sanji what had just transpired, and he waved slightly before he said, "Zoro, the panties are yours."

"Hah!" Zoro snatched the panties away from Sanji before tying them around his arm beside his bandana. "Free of debt, here I come!"

"You can't sell them stretched out like that, sea green shit-face!"

He scowled, and said, "I can sell them however I want as long as there's a pervert to pay for 'em. I'll give you a special discount for a hundred million, one minute."

"Huh? One minute?" Sanji made a slight face at him, "What are you talking about?"

"We were only out there for one minute, and you're done already? That's pretty sad."

"Your face is sad, three minutes!"

"At least, three minutes is more than one!"

Sanji stood, bracing for an attack, "Too bad it's because each stick only lasts one minute themselves! Notice how there's no _fourth_!"

"Dartboard!"

"National treasure!"

With a grin, Luffy settled into his bunk.

Usopp lifted his head from his hammock after a moment to look at Luffy in confusion, and said, "Aren't you going to take your turn, Luffy?"

"Still not in the mood," he picked his nose with a grin, "but maybe the wait won't be so bad if I just focus on making Nami miserable."

"One minute!"

"_Zoro-kun_!"

"Question!"

He was soon rocked to sleep by the fight between his crewmates.

!#&()+

_Man, I have a headache … also, there's about four chapters mostly ready to be uploaded. Not that they are. I'm making sure they're __**completely **__ready._

**Duval: **_Also, LuNaFan, I doubt he could respond to you, and also, I can take care of myself. It's very true though, since you're either hiding within anonymous or you don't have an account yourself, I can't respond to you __**unless**__ I do this. I suppose starting from this chapter on though, I can reply straight to the reader, and if they don't leave an e-mail, I'll just respond down here like I've been doing._

**quivering quill: **_Nope, I'm keeping 'em short._

**Saint Dezzie: **_Mmmm, bare back …_

**MewPirate: **_A lot of 'em seem to, but this one pulled through._

**Shinjite Florana: **_……… Onee-san …? Why … who … NO. Bad girl._

**Confession68: **_Face._

**waver-chan: **_No, no, no. His pheromones were __**extracted from**__ his sweat. Pheromones don't really have a scent, which is why Nami couldn't smell anything._

**wheathermangohanssj4: **_Pfffff._

**LuNaFan: **_Actually, it only looks like that. The last few chapters have been a little on the unplanned side of things. Besides, Usopp helps throughout really._

!#&()+


	8. Acceptability

**The Gossips**

_Acceptability_

Luffy smiled as he put on Brook's top hat, and began to dig into Zoro's locker for a haramaki. He chose a cheery yellow one, only to discover that he was much slimmer than his first mate. After a moment however, he happily slung one end over his shoulder while the other side rested against the diagonal hip.

Turning to Usopp, he grinned, "What else is there?"

Laughing, he clapped with his hands high above his head, and cheered, "That's perfect!"

"What the hell are you doing with my clothes!?"

"Yohoho! He's not quite ready yet!" Brook tapped his cane on the floor, spun it, and then offered the hooked end to Luffy, "Take this."

"All right!" Luffy attempted to twirl it, but it ended up flying into Zoro's face.

"Damn it, stop that!" Snatching the cane up, he handed it to Brook before Luffy could take it back, "Quit screwing around! Those are _my_ clothes!"

Frowning, Chopper said, "But if Luffy covers himself up with other scents, Nami might go after another male."

Holding up a thumb to point at himself, Luffy said, "And I still haven't showered, so Nami _really_ won't like me now!"

Zoro's jaw dropped as his eyebrows furrowed and twitched in bewilderment to gawk at him, "And you're rubbing your disgusting body all over _my_ clothes!?"

"What? You sweat in them all the time."

"That's not the point!"

Sanji snorted, and then blew out a ring of smoke, "Who cares? You both smell awful anyway."

"He can smell in his own damned clothes!"

Chortling, Luffy paraded out onto the deck with a happy little jig.

Robin looked up from watering her flowers only to smile warmly. She said, "Luffy, is there some special occasion for this?"

"Oh, Robin, those are great!" Luffy came over, twiddling his fingers over the blossoms, "Can I have some?"

She blinked before her tender, little smile returned. Even though she was older, Luffy, at that moment, wished she were the one vying for his hand, "Of course, Captain. I'm sure these tulips would look nice with Zoro's haramaki."

"What about the pink roses?"

Amused, she nodded, "All right. Did you want a bouquet?"

"Nah, I want 'em in my hair," he said.

"A crown for a king?"

He smiled, "Yeah!"

Giggling, she set to work, clipping the roses' stems and then picked out some daisies before she carefully started making a crown. When she finished, she slid it over Brook's hat so that it rested on the brim, "There. You look more like a king already."

"Haha! Thanks, Robin!"

"Anytime," she said with a soft laugh. "You certainly smell more like a king."

He blinked a bit owlishly at her before he laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, "Oh, right."

"Are you trying to look like a king?"

Smiling all over again, he said, "Yeah, sure. It's fun."

"Perhaps," she said slowly – it sounded tantalizing somehow, and Luffy listened to her smooth, low voice, "instead of pretending to look and smell like a king, you should learn to _act_ like a prince."

It sounded like a reprimand, he realized, but he could not figure out what it was for, so he stared at her in confusion.

Nami appeared out of the corner of his eye then, and he smiled, waving at her before he ran to join her. He tilted Brook's hat to her, and she plugged her nose.

She said, "Luffy, you still smell awful! Go take a shower already. And … _what_ are you wearing?"

Grinning, he leaned toward her, "Don't I look cool?"

"You look and smell like an ass," Sanji said, lighting another cigarette with an inhalation before releasing his breath gently. "In short, it's you."

"Oh, Sanji-kun, don't encourage him," she said.

"Ah! Of course, my dearest! I'll never utter another syllable to hearten this shit hole. From now on, he shall hear my demoralizing curses and discourage him from doing anything. In fact, I'll encourage him to do absolutely nothing!"

"Ahaha … that's not really what I meant, Sanji-kun …"

Suddenly, Sanji was puffing hearts all around, and Luffy's eyes focused on the cigarette then. Sanji said, "Nami-swan, I shall do whatever you wish! Tell me, and it shall be done!"

She pointed at Luffy, "Get rid of that smell."

Grabbing the scruff of Luffy's shirt – which was actually something stolen from Franky – Sanji dragged him toward the bathroom. Luffy began a valiant, but seemingly futile struggle, "Hey, shit-faced. Help me with the captain's bath."

"Hey, wait a minute! I can't take a bath! No bath! No bath!"

"Right," Zoro grabbed Luffy's legs, and the two men carried him along to the bathroom, "This is your own fault. Those are _my_ clothes you're stinking up."

"You can't do this to me! I'm your captain! Lemme go!"

As Sanji was preparing the tub, Zoro smiled sinisterly at him, "Watch us."

"I'm not joking!"

Getting him up the ladder to the bathroom had been a hassle, but after some effort, all it took was Sanji climbing to the top and playing catch with Zoro while Luffy was treated like a ball after his arms and legs were tied together.

"And a one, two, hup!" Sanji said as they tossed him into the tub, and Zoro leapt on him to hold him down into the porcelain bathtub while the cook turned the water on to fill it.

Luffy grew frantic, "Wait! You can't do this to me! Lemme go! I'll shower! No bath! No bath!"

"Nice try, buddy!"

Sanji scowled down at the two as Luffy splashed water all across his suit, "Believe me when I say this, Captain, but I'm doing _all_ of us a favor. Not just Nami-swan." He paused a moment before pointing at himself with a thumb, "It's for me, Robin-chan, _and_ Nami-san."

Eyebrow twitching, Zoro said, "How is that all of us!?"

Abruptly, Luffy stretched an arm out, freeing it from the knot it had been in, and he grasped the doorknob all the way across the room. They were surprised enough that they released him, and Luffy shot toward the door where he quickly set to work on detangling himself from himself.

"Oh, no, you don't!"

Zoro latched onto his waist while Sanji wrapped his arms around Luffy's shoulders, both yanking him away from the door.

"Aaaagh! No! No! No! No baths! I can't take baths!"

Grunting, the two slammed him down into the water, Sanji pressing his shoulders down before he tied his neck around the faucet to keep his head above water, and Zoro strived to deal with his thrashing legs.

While the water rose quickly, Luffy felt the sap of strength throughout his limbs, and he choked out, "I can't … take baths … Damn … my … gnads …"

They gaped at him, "Eh?"

!#&()+

_All right, I have __**never**__ done this before, but I just felt I needed to so as to preserve sanity._

**LuNaFan: **_**DO NOT**__ use reviews as your personal discussion board – especially on __**my**__ stories. I. Am. Pissed. So quit it. Review once a chapter, do not come back to say something you've forgotten, and save anything you remember for a review of the __**next**__ chapter. I may be ego-fucking-tistical and maybe even attention starved, but not so much that I'd leave those last two reviews tainting that number that claims how many reviews I have. I've even just now decided to delete your replies to Duval. When you review, __**talk to me**__. The fact that Duval contacted me concerning how I reply to reviewers, tells me that he cares about how higher-ups of this site might perceive my responses, so I appreciate really it. Bad vibes my fat, hairy, white ass._

**Kero: **_Luffy would like to inform you that he refuses, but his gnads are at stake, so he can't._

**Terrace: **_Hahahaha, that's exactly it. They gotta relieve themselves somehow._

**Duval:**_ Now, I must apologize if I sounded like I was flaming you in my last reply, but that was not the case. People that know me would agree when I say I am stark-ravingly __**blunt**__. Read my replies as I say, not as you think I say. Thank you for telling me your opinion on the matter though. As you can see, I'm only responding to anonymous reviewers in this section._

_Now if anyone would like to take me up on discussing more about this, you're likely to find me in Ryo Hoshi's forum on this site._

!#&()+


	9. Warning

**The Gossips**

_Warning_

"Sorry, Captain," Zoro laughed, "we didn't realize! Gahahaha!"

Sanji said, "I don't believe it …! I still can't! You're …? Right now? I never imagined Devil Fruit Users couldn't … _perform_ after getting dunked in a tub!" That was when Sanji joined the swordsman in laughter.

Groaning, Luffy raised a hand to alert the bartender, "Get me a Red Light Green Light."

Lighting his cigarette, Sanji sniggered as he blew out smoke, "Ohoho, trying to spice up that love life, Captain …?"

When the bartender set the drink before their captain, they stopped laughing, and blinked. It was only a shot glass, but the bartender had layered it with jalapeño juice, tobasco sauce, and tequila, and Sanji seemed to have an awful start.

"Hey, you can't have that!"

Luffy downed it before they could react however, and he slammed the glass back onto the bar with a hard sigh, and then a grin at them, "What, think I can't take it?"

Zoro said to the bartender, "Get us a bucket."

"I ain't gonna puke," Luffy said, waving the guy away. "I can take a little drink too."

Sanji pursed his lips, staring at him before he said, "You like shots?"

"I like tobasco sauce," his smile broadened.

"Let's get you a Red Hot Lover then," he said, gesturing to the bartender who nodded, and turned to prepare something in a cocktail glass.

"Forget the fancy shmancy stuff," Zoro said. "What you need is straight up gin."

Sanji said, "At a bar like this, it's the drinks with the looks that have the most punch."

"I don't want some fruity drink, dartboard. Just give me a pint of something neat, and I'm good for the night."

"You just don't have any class, do you? In a place like this, you don't just get drunk. You get drunk with a stylish drink in hand!" The bartender put the red drink in front of Luffy who began to chug it, "Ah! No, not like that!"

Setting it back down, Luffy coughed hard, "Damn!"

"You sip this one. Treat it like a woman. She is a fine, beautiful creature. Sip her, taste her, _feel_ her. You can't just swallow mixed drinks like they're nothing."

Wiping at his teary eyes, Luffy frowned at him, "You should've told me!" He put it down, eyeing it warily before he called the bartender, "Another Red Light Green Light."

"You haven't even _tasted_ that drink!"

"I'll sip it between shots," he said, and then pointed at the two of them, "And you're paying for 'em since you dropped me in the bath."

They blinked, looked at each other, and Zoro said, "Just how much are you going to drink?"

"As many as I want," Luffy said, and then tilted his shot back as soon as the bartender set it before him. "Now, get me a Shark Bite."

!#&()+

Luffy squinted through the shot glass with the purple liquid inside. Sometime during the night, Usopp had found the three. He still didn't feel sufficiently sloshed, but he did feel better.

"Yanno, ih looks like an eye," Luffy said.

Snickering, Usopp said, "I think you're drinking too much. At least, you're a mellow drunk though."

"Ahm serious. It looks like an eye," he pointed at the side of the glass, and then tilted it all back into his gullet before he set it back down with a grin. "This ain't nothing special, Usopp. I had bar back home, and Makino served me all th'time."

"Eh? Someone served you drinks as a kid?"

"Sure! Juice, and milk, and when I left, she made me Red Light Green Light, and then I vomited in her potted plant, and I don't think she noticed-ed it until I was gone."

"You're tanked," Zoro said.

"Nuh, I just can't talk right," Luffy said with a nod, and then waved at Usopp, "Hey, hey. You need uh … Absolut Train Wreck."

He raised a brow at this, "We're supposed to be making Nami miserable so she won't marry you."

"Oh, man, Usopp! I haven'had orange drink yet," he said before turning to the bartender. "Hey, I need an Orange … an Orange Tree on the rocks."

The man laughed softly, "I know a lot of drinks, but that's a new one."

"Iz simple," he said, "You take uh … orange liqueur, and cognac, and some mandarin juice, and some lemonade, and it's some real good drink. You jus pour it, not stir or nothing. Nami showed me how. On th'rocks."

"I'll see what I can whip up."

"Ah … Luffy, you know, we still got to plan something, or Nami will chase you to the end of the Grand Line, and then _marry_ you there," Usopp said.

"Man, she must got plans, man."

Blinking, he said, "Huh?"

"I mean, she's gotta been doing all this stuff unnerving me to make me make her follow me."

"I'm not following."

Luffy patted the table with both hands, and then tried again, "I mean, she's had this along in her head. She's on purpose making me nervous."

"Hey, Captain, you rhymed," Zoro sniggered, pointing at him.

He grinned at him, "I know, was in my speech."

"Luffy, Zoro! You guys got to sober up!" He slammed his fist onto the bar, "If Nami catches you drunk, and overhears the plans, she's going to do worse than kill Luffy on their honeymoon. She'll _let him live_."

His eyes narrowing at Usopp, Luffy said, "That makes no sense. _I'm_ drunk, Usopp, not you. Me."

"She'll make you live through that horrible, horrible marriage until the ends of time!"

The bartender set a short orange-colored drink in front of Luffy, and he started to sip it, nursing it slightly, "That would _suck_. I mean maybe I had plans too, and they didn't involve witches or dying or damned baths and sinking in the water and everything goes real dark."

Snapping his fingers, Usopp quickly regained Luffy's attention, "Just keep it together, and you won't have to marry her, okay?"

"But I mean the whole time she's staring at me feels like the water, and no feeling in my junk, and then there's this problem with _breathing_," Luffy said.

Usopp's eyes narrowed, gazing evenly at his captain, "Feeling in your …? Luffy, what're you talking about?"

"When she stares death at me, and it's like holding my breath in the water, and … I come up for air, but there isn't any. Iz like the whole world's air gone dried up, and you can't breathe in water, and … and _man_, Usopp, Sanji and Zoro dropped me in the bath, and now I can't feel my balls anymore because the fruit."

"Forget I asked. Now about Nami-"

"I'm gonna beat her up," he said then, and stood up, running out of the bar.

"Wait, what!?"

!#&()+

_Man, I don't like this chapter as much … but it needed to be there. Transitional-like chapter, yeah …_

**babyluffy: **_No love for Luffy for a long time. Or a week. Whichever comes first._

**wippe: **_Yes, gnads. Equals gonads._

!#&()+


	10. Bombardment

**The Gossips**

_Bombardment_

As soon as he barged into the kitchen, Luffy bent over the table, and panted hard. Nami raised a brow at him from her seat beside Robin, who seemed slightly amused as he lifted his head to stare at them.

He said, "I forgot what'sit I waz gonna do."

Blinking in astonishment, Nami said, "Are you drunk, Luffy?"

"Yes!" Luffy sat beside her then, and took her arm, "Man, Nami! Zoro and Sanji drobbed me in th'tub, and now I can't feel my junk."

The fight seemed to ooze out of her then, and she stared at him with a wry twist of her lips, "Really."

"You could try all day, and my junk won'twitch."

"You'd like _that_, wouldn't you!?"

Luffy perked, and grabbed her drink, "Is that Orange Tree? That guy made _awful_ one, Nami. It tasted like balls." He started drinking from her glass before he paused to set it back down, "Oh, can have some?"

She sighed, rubbing her temple, "Yes, Luffy. You may have my drink. I think it's your last one for the night though, okay?"

He stared at the glass then before lifting his head to point at her, "Wait, I was gonna beat you up."

Blanching, she backed her head away from his finger, "Huh?"

"Oh, but I need more panties."

Her cheeks began to flush, glancing at Robin side-ways, who still seemed terribly tickled by the new addition to the room. Nami said, "Can't we do that later, Captain?"

"No," he said vehemently. "You can't call me that like that like me … like that …"

"What …?"

"Shh, shh, shhh …" Luffy pressed his fingers to her lips as if this would more effectively shush her, and he said, "No captain business. I can't breathe."

As Nami started blushing all the brighter, Robin seemed a bit concerned, and said, "Luffy, what do you mean by that?"

"Iz like when she stares at me like she's been doing all times now recently like she's been doing … recently," Luffy said, holding up a finger like he saw Usopp do. "I can't breathe, and if'n she calls me a captain, it gets worse. It's like she's trying to kill me, Robin. I feel like my lungs're gonna explode."

"Luffy …" Nami said, pulling his fingers from her mouth with a twitch of her brow.

"Oh, no, that's my stomach."

She blinked, "Ah?"

Rushing to his feet, Luffy bowed to the sink, and vomited a healthy green and red assortment of drinks. He noted that they didn't taste nor look quite as pleasant coming up as they had when they were going down.

Someone stroked his back soothingly, and he squinted up at Nami before he groaned, lowering his head again, "Damn it … I wish I could feel my balls."

She sighed, switching her hand to rub her temple instead, "Lovely."

Robin appeared at his other side with a glass of water, and he took it readily, downing it in seconds before he bemoaned against the kitchen sink. He said after a moment, "Don't tell Sanji I puked in his sink or I'll _never_ feel 'em again."

Turning away, Nami began to put up the flavored rum and vodka the two had been drinking before Luffy had arrived. Glancing back at her, he took note of the orange vodka, and he smiled. She happened to look up, and said, noticing the grin, "What is it?"

"I wanna taste," he said.

"No more alcohol for you, Luffy."

"Nah, it's just a taste," Luffy grabbed her hand then, pulling her toward him as he tilted her chin up. Her cheeks instantly reddened, and Luffy gazed down at her with slightly blurred eyes, lowering his head. Their foreheads touched, and she grew ever darker as he stared. He closed his eyes, tilting down toward her.

He didn't connect. Instead, his head slumped onto her shoulder as he groaned softly.

"Wait, I can't. Jus puked, Nami, can't do it now. Taste awful."

Luffy pulled away from her abruptly, and headed for the men's room to find his bunk. When he reached it, he plopped face-first into it, and snored.

!#&()+

Something woke him up by crushing his groin.

"Can you feel _that_!? Huh? _Captain_!?"

Luffy squealed in pain, holding his crotch while Usopp and Franky struggled to keep the cook back. As the light hit his eyes, one hand grasped at his head, and he shut his eyes tightly with a groan.

"Aaagh! He crushed them! Luffy can't mount girls anymore! Aagh, Luffy! Doctor!"

"You're not helping, Chopper!" Feeling faint after shouting, he grasped at his head again with a whimper, "What the hell did I do last night …?"

"Acting so fresh with Nami-san! You were planning this all along, you piece of shit!"

His jaw dropped as every single action of the night before was then clarified, and he stared up at the ceiling though it racked his head with more pain. Shooting to his feet despite his groin, Luffy said, "Do it again! Maybe Nami won't want a guy that can't please her!"

"With pleasure, shit-faced fool!"

"Agh!" Franky said, striving further to keep Sanji on the other side of the room, "Don't encourage him, Straw Hat! We're trying to save your life here!"

"What kind of life would it be if that witch is hovering over me every step of the way!? If I'm going to be the Pirate King, it's _not_ gonna be some joint-venture! It's _my_ dream!"

Sanji fumed, still not settled, "What's the deal with kissing her then, huh!? Alcohol releases inhibitions, shit for brains! You really do want her, don't you!?"

To that, Luffy had no answer, his eyes widening in horrified shock, "What …? But I didn't …"

"Hold it."

Hissing, Sanji ceased struggling with Franky and Usopp, and glared at Zoro in his bunk, "What's it to you, cactus fuzz? All you want out of this shitty union is to sell panties so you can guzzle more with the shit-faced captain here. Luffy! You can forget about me helping you steal Nami-swan away from me now! I'm out!"

"I …" Luffy attempted to say, but his aching head felt like someone had swiped it clean, and he couldn't find any words except for those that Sanji had uttered.

_"You really do want her, don't you!?"_

"Luffy," Zoro said, and he slowly looked up at him, trying to make sense of things through his hangover. "The Prince of Morondom is lying to you."

He blinked, and this time, Luffy's eyes actually focused on the swordsman, saying, "Sanji said it releases that inhibilitor stuff though."

Shrugging, Zoro said, "And?"

Frowning, he tilted his head in confusion.

"Luffy," he said, "the point is that when you have no inhibitions, it just releases your instincts not your feelings. You're a pretty instinctive, guy, right?"

"Sure," he said.

"Exactly … Besides, if what Curly said is true, I'm been in love with a _lot_ of girls," Zoro grinned at him. "So don't let this get in the way of getting more panties for me."

!#&()+

_Gee, Zoro's quite the pal …_

_Is pal the right word?_

**LuNaFan: **_Well, it's good to see you again anyway. Thanks for the review!_

!#&()+


	11. Retreat

**The Gossips**

_Retreat_

"I can't go out there, Usopp. She's gonna be staring at me again," he said, gazing at the wall opposite of the door. "I can't take it anymore."

"We understand that it makes you uncomfortable," Brook said, "but like Usopp says. If you continue acting like a jerk to Nami, she won't want to marry you."

Luffy frowned to himself before looking up at the skeleton, "He said I should act like you guys … but everything I've been doing is a flop. I need to do something else. Something more."

"Breakfast! Except for that shit-faced idiot down there!"

Twitching, Luffy's shoulders slumped, and he said, "It's just not fair. First, I didn't have Zoro on my side, but now Sanji's left me too, and he's the guy that feeds me! How'm I gonna survive?"

"Oh, breakfast smells lovely! I wonder what we're having," Brook said as he opened the door for Usopp stroll out.

"Yeah, it does smell great!"

"And now you jerks are leaving me too!"

Usopp waved at him, "Hey, relax, we're just recuperating."

"Yeah, without your captain!"

"We'll be back!"

Huffing, Luffy pouted, bunching up his cheeks as he glowered at the quickly slammed door. He said, "Traitors …"

After a moment, he lowered his head, looking down at his crossed ankles before he stood, wondering whether it was safe to find out if Sanji had made food for him or not. He decided not to risk it after recalling the footprint-shaped bruise between his legs, and Luffy went to lie in his bunk.

_Sunny_ seemed to give him a little ray of hope however, as the ship suddenly heaved in the harbor, and a locker door swung open. A carton of cigarettes flew out, sliding just a few meters from Luffy.

He blinked at it before he smiled slowly, and stretched his arm out to grab the pack, looking into it only to note there were five inside. Luffy considered the prize with a purse of his lips, scratching his cheek before he popped a stick out.

Putting it carefully between thumb and forefinger, he hopped out of the bunk to go to Sanji's open locker – which was neater than the other men's were, though not by much – and he shuffled through his clothes before he finally discovered a pocket with a lighter. Luffy snatched it out, and it took a few tries to light it before he stuck the cigarette into his mouth, inhaling as he lit the other end.

!#&()+

"Now then!" Usopp said as they walked down the street, "Out here, we can have a new, fresh outlook on the situation. Away from the ship, Luffy. How's that?"

Glancing back, Luffy took out the pack from his pocket, and lit his second cigarette. Usopp stared at him incomprehensibly before his jaw dropped.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

"Smoking," he said after he coughed a bit, hitting his chest a few times before he smiled at the sniper, "I'm pretty hungry."

"Are you sure that's a good idea? I know you want to make her stop, but I'm not so-"

"I'm doing this because I want to," he said, inhaling again before he licked his lips, and let the smoke flow out naturally while he talked. "I got my inhabitationals, and it relaxes Sanji, and I need relaxing too, so why not?"

He frowned slightly, but nodded, "Well, all right. Anyway, Luffy, I know this is what we've been doing from the start, but you need to ask for her panties again. Be as lewd about it as possible. You could sneak another pat or something too, but be a pervert."

"What if it backfires again?"

"Let it."

"What!? No way! Sanji already hates me because of last night!"

Usopp stood in front of him, making them both stop walking in the street, and he smiled, rubbing his chin in a conspiratorial manner, "Nami obviously likes the attention. Just as I suspected."

"What!? Really!?"

"Of course. I'm sorry I had to lead you on like this, Luffy, but I had to make sure you were as convincing as possible – as serious as I am on this matter! Luffy! From this night onward, you must lay it on as thick as possible! As soon as she begins to expect even more from you, you're going to ignore her completely!"

!#&()+

That was how he found himself sneaking into Nami's room again. Luffy silently crept inside, imagining himself as quiet as a mouse in order to make little noise. This plan was soon thwarted however, as he realized that Nami was already in said room, and he paused mid-step, staring at her as the door slowly swung shut with a soft click behind him.

This noise caught her attention, and she looked up from her vanity only to startle at the sight of him, "Luffy?"

"I want another pair," he couldn't think of anything naughty to add, so he left it at that.

Nami began to smile slowly, standing up, and put her hands on her hips, "Oh, you do, huh?" She held out a hand, grinning brighter, "Are you going to trade now?"

He gaped, unprepared for this, "You want _my_ underwear!?"

Her cheeks erupted into a rosy inflammation, and she said, "Not on your life! My other pair! Give me the panties you took last time."

His eyes widened, suddenly recalling Zoro's cheery voice, _"Free of debt, here I come!"_

"Well?" She said, her smile starting to form into a frown, "Don't you have them on you, Captain?"

_Oh, shit,_ he thought. _I'm gonna shrivel up and die._ Luffy swallowed dryly, and he said, "Uh … Nami, they're not clean right now, but I'll wash 'em when I can, okay?"

The red spread up and down her face, from the start of her hairline, and down her neck, "Ah … oh, I … I see. Thank you …?" She gazed at him as if waiting for new information before she said, "Well … if they're dirty, I suppose you need something to hold you over until you get a new pair."

"Eh? You're still not going to give me any?"

"No … but come here a minute."

As he shuffled his feet over to her, he wondered if this was part of Usopp's plans. Nami's fingers slid onto his chest when he was in reach, and Luffy was thankful then that his senses were dumb because at that moment his blood began to race. Her fingertips traced up to his shoulders then, slowly roaming down his arms before grasping his hands to guide them both under her skirt.

As his hands contracted involuntarily onto the fat, round globes of her derrière, she leaned up with a slowly spreading smile, "Why don't we finish what you started last night?"

His hands squeezed in his surprise. Her soft gasp from his touch making his heart hammer _hard_, and he pulled away quickly.

"I gotta go now," he said, running out of the room.

!#&()+

_Man, I got this cool new phone, and I actually read the first chapter of this story on it … but it wouldn't let me look at reviews or let me go to the next chapter. Dunno why. Anyway, I really like my phone. Also, I think _The Gossips_ will only last … six more chapters after this one._

**LuNaFan:**_ Ah … I was actually trying to convey that he's __**not**__ a tee-totaler, but he just doesn't get sloshed that bad usually. And I'm pretty sure Oda's stated that any standing water does it (oceans, lakes, rivers …), so they shower instead of bathe. And _ningen_ means human in Japanese – if you're going to start going around sprouting it, use it properly._

**Yo: **_Uh … If you mean when he said _"Besides, if what Curly said is true, I'm been in love with a _lot_ of girls"_ he's just referring to when he gets some heavy drinking in himself that he's … been around several blocks. Because thinking of Zoro as a man-whore is funny._

!#&()+


	12. Espionage

**The Gossips**

_Espionage_

"Sanji!"

Said Sanji scowled down at Luffy, his lip curling up in distaste, "Get lost."

"_Please_! I need your help!"

"I already told you before! I'm never helping you with this shitty mission again!" He kicked Luffy's face, "Now get away!"

"You don't understand!"

"Luffy!" Usopp yanked him away from Sanji's foot just in time, "What's gotten into you!? How'd the plan go?"

"It _really_ backfired, Usopp!" Turning to him, Luffy shook his shoulders, "Zoro already sold her panties, so I can't give 'em back! Sanji has to help me get her new ones!"

Smiling, Sanji put his hand on Luffy's shoulder, "Oh, well, if that's all."

Beginning to sweat, Usopp said, "'If that's all,' he says."

Luffy beamed, tears pouring down his cheeks, "You're on my side again!"

"Wrong!" Sanji shoved a finger in between Luffy's eyes, which he tried to look at cross-eyed, "I am on _my_ side! If you so much as _look_ in Nami's direction, I'll serve you up on a platter." He leaned in ominously, "And no one will miss you because you will be _delicious_."

Luffy smiled at Usopp, "You wanna buy underwear with us?"

Groaning, he flopped back against the couch, "No way, you guys make me tired just watching you."

"Oh! Sanji, we got to bring some other guys!"

Blinking at him, Sanji said, "'Other guys?'"

!#&()+

"Yohohoho! My dearest of heartfelt thanks for bringing me along, although … I have no heart! Skull Joke! Yoho!"

"Man, this place is _full_ of panties. Super!"

Sanji's jaw dropped, and his curly brow twitched while he stared at the two 'men' that were inspecting the rows of underwear. Franky had already started looking in the rather small men's section, and Brook was starting to pull the panties over his head, his afro sticking out the two holes for the legs.

Luffy smiled up at him, "They know all about panties! I had to bring them!"

"Ri … right …" Sighing, Sanji killed his cigarette before he entered the store, "Anyway, we're looking for panties for Nami-san."

Luffy shoved a pair of bright blue panties in front of his face, and said, "Found some!"

"Why'd you even bring me along!?"

"Sanji, I need to get more than one pair, and I gotta hide Zoro's sales, or she's really gonna murder me," he said. "And what if she doesn't like any that I pick?"

His eyes glinted suddenly, "If she doesn't like any …?" He eyed the pair in Luffy's hand before he gave him an oily smile, "I'm sure she'd love those panties."

"Man, those are some ugly britches," Franky said, peering over Luffy's shoulders.

"Yohoho, even I wouldn't put that on my head."

Luffy tossed the panties back in the bin.

"Shit for brains! Why am I here!?"

Smiling, Luffy again picked at random, showing him a light orange thong with a little, white flower on the strap, "How'd this look on Nami?"

Eye bulging into a heart, Sanji's nose began to drip blood, and Luffy grinned, passing the pair to Franky for safekeeping.

The shop keep said, "Don't get any blood on the merchandise!"

Luffy shoved a gold pair in Sanji's face with a broader grin, "Now how about these?"

"Mellorine …"

!#&()+

Picking a pair at random, Luffy then stashed the bag into his locker before shutting it up tight, "I hope these work or Nami will find out about Zoro, and that'd be a waste of my spending money."

Usopp merely grinned at him, "You have to keep this up until I say it's okay to ignore Nami, all right?"

Zoro raised his hand, "Can I sell some of the panties you just bought?"

"I gotta go, okay? Keep out of there, Zoro!"

"Good luck!"

Luffy stomped his foot, "Don't say that! We don't want it to go well, remember?"

Usopp laughed as Luffy ran up to the girls' room. Knocking on the door, he then slipped inside when he heard Nami answer. She pouted up at him, but it vanished the moment he showed the daisy-covered panties to her, and it formed into a little, wondrous smile, "Oh, you … shouldn't have …"

He blinked, "Eh? Really? Sorry, I'll take 'em back."

Her hand shot out, grabbing his wrist as she stood up, "No, I mean it's a great gift! I don't deserve it, but I'll accept it."

He tilted his head in confusion, but let her take the pair of panties. Nami set them on her end table before she pulled up her skirt to press down the pink panties she was sporting. Choking out in shock, Luffy spun around to face away, starting to breathe heavily, and he heard Nami laugh softly.

Instead of the toss of her panties at him, he felt her body against his back, and he did his best to swallow nothing, but it felt lodged in his throat as she then lifted the pair in front of his face. Luffy's nostrils flared, smelling something incredibly alluring, and craning his neck a little, he bit onto the panties to tug them out of her hand.

She made a soft sound of astonishment behind him, and she said, "Oh, you're a gnawer, huh? You don't just smell it?"

He froze before pulling the panties out of his mouth, and then he shoved them into his pocket, "Ah, thanks, Nami! I gotta go now."

Nami giggled, pressing tighter against his back, and she said, "You won't tell me what you do with my panties? Come on. I'll let you pick which pair of underwear I'm going to wear today. Captain."

Luffy's entire body seemed to groan in protest, unable to rise to the occasion due to his unfortunate dunking. For a long while, his brain just sizzled inside of his head while he steamed out his nose. He said, "I … I just smelled it, and I wanted to taste it too …"

"Maybe I'll pass all my panties to you if you're going to clean them like that."

He reached into his pocket, fumbling for the cigarette pack before he waved her away, "Just – just wear what I got you." Lighting a stick, he sucked it up, feeling some of the nervousness drift away, "See you, Nami."

Gaping at him, she grabbed the cigarette away, "What are you doing!?"

"Hey, that's mine!" He jumped for the cigarette, and the two toppled onto her bed together as he strived to reach for it.

"No, it's Sanji-kun's!"

"I bought 'em! They're mine, Nami!"

"Since when did you start smoking, Luffy!?"

He huffed, and said, "Yesterday! Now gimme it back, Nami!"

"I should've figured a simpleton like you'd get addicted that fast!"

"I'm not a-"

"You piece of shit!"

!#&()+

**LuNaFan:**_ SWEAT? Sit up straight, now get up, turn around, and go march yourself to a store, and buy One Piece: The Episode of Alabasta__** right now**__ or so help me, I don't know where I'll put all your pieces._

_THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, 4KIDS, YOU CANNOT HIDE IT FROM THE MASSES ANY LONGER._

_LONG LIVE FUNIMATION._

!#&()+


	13. Misleading

**The Gossips**

_Misleading_

Sanji forced Luffy into doing watch-duty that night.

Walking around in boredom, Luffy was digging into his pockets for the cigarettes he had bought. Sanji had thankfully not filched them after he saw that they were a brand different from his own, and realized that Luffy had indeed started smoking.

After lighting it, Luffy started to feel cold, and he hugged himself, running his hands up and down his arms before he muttered, and started for the bunks.

He knew that he didn't have a light coat for this weather, so he dug into the other lockers in search of something to use. His hand brushed over one of Sanji's tuxedo jackets, and he stared at it before he reached down to drop his pants.

Putting on the jacket, he then found a pair of Sanji's pants to put it on as well before he went back outside.

As he was buttoning up the jacket, and feeling much warmer, someone said, "Is that you, Sanji-kun? I thought Luffy took watch tonight."

Eyes bulging, he turned to her with a sharp inhalation, but he was unprepared for the smoke infiltrating his lungs, so he began to cough hard, tearing at the corners of his eyes. He tried to say, "No, it's … it's me."

When he turned to her, she was frowning, and she said, "What are you doing wearing Sanji-kun's clothes for?"

He pouted, wiping a tear away before shoving his free hand into a pocket, "It's cold."

Nami sighed, and said, "He won't be happy seeing you wearing his clothes."

"I don't care," he said. Reaching up, Nami started to straighten the jacket, unbuttoning it. "Hey!"

"You buttoned it crooked," she said. "Hold still."

Huffing, he glowered at her and her hands, "It was fine, Nami!"

She persisted in ignoring him however, and he fidgeted uneasily even when she buttoned the jacket again. Nami's hands didn't stop there though, for then they slid up the lapels to straighten them and his collar. Then she smiled, "There. Isn't that better?"

It was, "I don't care."

Luffy pulled away, hunching up his shoulders, and sucked on his cigarette a bit more, turning to face the sea.

Nami said, "Luffy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're _smoking_, and – and wearing Sanji-kun's clothes, and you're telling me there's nothing wrong?" She said.

He said, "So I'm doing new things. What's wrong with that?"

Sighing, she pulled away, and crossed her arms under her breasts, "Nothing, I guess … Good night, dear."

He winced, glad that she couldn't see it as she walked away, and he blew out smoke.

It wasn't shaped like anything.

!#&()+

Zoro said, "You're wearing it wrong."

Luffy sighed, tugging at the tie before he glowered at him, "So you fix it. I don't know how these things work."

Rolling his eyes, Zoro came forward to pull apart the odd knot Luffy had made before smoothing out the tie. He was quiet. Luffy reached to his other pants to take out a cigarette.

He frowned, "Aren't we inside a store, Luffy?"

"I just want it in my mouth," he said, sticking it into his mouth to suckle a bit. He made a face at him. Luffy said, "Why're you helping me with this?"

"It doesn't really matter to me whether this goes through or not. Either way, I get panties. Used ones from her, and then those ones you just bought."

When Zoro was done, Luffy tugged at the tie so it was more comfortable, "You're going to kill me like this, you know. When I shrivel up and die, you're left to deal with her on your own."

"I'm sure that damned love cook can take care of her."

He blinked, "Sanji?"

"Aw, look at the cute couple!"

Luffy blinked, looking up to see the effeminate man waving at them with his fingers. He was wearing bold red fingernail polish. Suddenly, Zoro turned to Luffy, grinning as he stroked his chin, "Now, _that's_ an idea." Luffy blinked again, this time at the swordsman before his eyes bulged in horror.

"What!? No way!"

Grinning, Zoro yanked him up against himself before turning to the spectator, "Oi, could you take a picture for us? We want to idolize the moment."

"Zoro, this ain't funny! Quit it!"

Turning to him, Zoro lowered his voice into a whisper, "Is this worse than marrying Nami before shriveling up and dying?"

Blanching, Luffy stared at him before he smiled tightly at the other man, "Eh … hehe …"

!#&()+

"Looking good, Captain," Sanji said.

"Don't tell me you're-!?"

Zoro shoved Luffy along the deck, and said, "Just ignore the pansy."

"Hah!" Guessing correctly at what he meant, Sanji said, "I'd worry more about Zoro – I'm a ladies man after all. He likes those sticks of his too much for it to be healthy."

"What'd you say, dartboard!?"

Blowing smoke toward Zoro, he said, "The cactus likes sticking it to men too."

Franky raised a brow at Luffy, lifting his sunglasses while the swordsman and cook attacked one another. He said, "Well, _that_ might stop the girl."

Luffy tugged at his skintight, yellow shirt with a grimace, and said, "I don't know about this though …"

"Ooh," he heard Nami, and his shoulders began to stiffen as he struggled not to hunch up in alarm or cringe in fear. She slid in behind him, wrapping her arms around him to rest her hands flat against his abs and chest, "Captain, you look yummy."

Sanji dropped his fight immediately to gape at the two, tears flying from his eye, "What!? Nami-swan!"

"Hm? Do you have a problem with me being with my fiancé, Sanji-kun?"

"Nn … no, Nami-swan …"

She smiled against his back – he could feel it with her head leaning against him like that – and he swallowed hard. Nami said as one hand rubbed Luffy's chest, "Good."

"Mellorine …"

"Mm, Luffy, you need to wear this kind of stuff more often – it's nice."

Luffy escaped, and said as he ran to the men's bunk, "Thanks, Nami! Bye, Nami!"

Slamming the door shut, and leaning back against it, he sighed in relief, combing his fingers through his hair before he lit up a new cigarette. After a moment, he noticed Usopp was in the room, staring at him in his new duds.

He said, "Luffy, if there's something you want to tell me in confidence, I'm willing to listen. I don't discriminate."

Luffy whimpered, pulling at his hair.

!#&()+

_Man, guys are dressing in tighter and tighter clothes it seems, and they're either straighter than a nail or like Zoro's directional abilities on a really bad day. Either way, Luffy in tight jeans makes me happy.__**DON!**__ It's my birthday tomorrow. Gimme reviews as a gift._

**Phantom 4 Life:**_ Genetic, huh?_

**Yo: **_Mmm … I think this chapter is on the slow side as well, BUT MAN. Fourteen might get me killed. Nami will justify herself in due time._

**harrypocky: **_Luffy is Luffy, you silly harry._

**LuNaFan: **_Quit confusing me, you goosebean._

_To anyone out there that's confused, I found Stephen's translation of an SBS question._

_Oda__: First of all, let's discuss the problem of Devil Powered folks bathing themselves. People who eat Devil Fruit are "hated" by the sea, and cannot swim. The "sea" here can refer to anything from rivers, pools and baths to any kind of standing water. On a worldwide level, they are all the "sea." When these people enter the water, not only can they not use their powers, they have trouble moving their bodies at all. They might be able to struggle a bit, but it wouldn't do much good. That's if their entire bodies are submerged in the "sea." With less than half the body or just the limbs, it gets easier. Also, rain and dripping water have no effect at all. Therefore, hipbaths or showers are the most common choice. Now, in Crocodile's case, "water" is the weakness of his very powers, so his abilities are robbed even in the shower. But it's not like there are enemies around when you take a shower, so I'd bet he would take them even with his powers being blocked. Don't you think__?_

!#&()+


	14. Surrender

**The Gossips**

_Surrender_

Luffy threw his new shirt into the pile of dirty clothes in front of the locker before he attempted to hop out of his tight pants. He hopped out of one leg, but this resulted in his falling over. Frowning, he kicked furiously out of the pants and into the dirty clothes before he crawled into his bunk.

"So what's the new game plan?" Franky said.

He said into his bunk, "No game plan, no mission, no nothing."

Usopp gaped at him, "What!?"

Sitting up in his bunk, Chopper leaned toward him a bit, "But, Luffy! You said you didn't want to mount her!"

"This isn't a change of heart! The shitty rubber man is just showing his true colors!"

"I'm tired of dealing with that witch! I'm not playing the jerk anymore! She likes it too much anyway!" Luffy said.

"You can't quit now," Usopp said. "Just keep going a little longer, and then you can ignore her."

"No, _you_ can ignore her. This'll go on and on forever, Usopp," he said, "and when I'm the Pirate King, she'll marry me and make me shrivel up and die. She's already sucking the life right out of me. Why draw it out?"

Luffy popped out a cigarette, and lit it as he reclined on his back in the bunk.

"Yohoho! If the captain permits it, then perhaps I shall practice the wedding music since he'll surely become the Pirate King."

Taking out his violin, Brook tuned it a moment before he began, the note starting on a low, slow register where it remained for a while. As the notes filled the room, their moods soured, and the music only became more depressing.

Usopp finally snapped, "What kind of wedding music is this!? This sounds more like a funeral march!"

Stopping abruptly in mid-note, Brook turned to him, and said, "I've been to a wedding before."

Luffy broke into a sweat, and pulled at his hair, "I take it back! I can't marry her!"

"He sure changed his tune quick," Zoro muttered, and then he smiled. "So more panties for me?"

"Damned moss ball, you have no shame!"

"I can do as I please, butterfly."

Sputtering, Sanji said, "What? Butterfly?"

Zoro made a curling motion with his finger, "Don't butterfly antennae twirl like yours?"

Jumping to his feet, he said, "These aren't antennae, seaweed wrap!"

"Oh! Quick," Zoro turned to the side, looking worried "Usopp, get the butterfly net! It might scare Curly!"

"Shut the hell up!"

"Oi, oi," Usopp waved his hand, looking drained, "leave me out of this."

Franky and Chopper merely watched their captain as his eyes began to concentrate ahead at nothing in particular, rusty wheels beginning to turn with an almost audible creak.

!#&()+

"Beach!" Luffy cheered, running down the stretch of sand with a gleeful laugh, and as he did so, he kicked up sand with his feet.

Nami and Sanji shot him annoyed, dirty looks as he created a ruckus on the public beach, and made other people look at them. Waving him over, Usopp laughed, and said, "We gotta make a sandcastle, Luffy! Over here!"

His eyes lit up, and Luffy said, "A castle made of sand!? Yeah!"

As he joined Usopp's side, the two of them beginning to start on their own castle, Usopp said, "Ah, this reminds me of the time I made an entire city out of sand in just a day."

In passing, Chopper stopped short, and turned to him with sparkling eyes, "What!? Really!? Usopp, that's amazing!"

Luffy grinned, and said, "Shishi! That's the only thing that sucked about Alabasta." He pouted then, "I thought Vivi lived in a giant sandcastle!"

"Maybe, she has one as a vacation home," Usopp said. "When we see Vivi again, I could make her one if she doesn't."

Chopper beamed, and waved his front hooves excitedly, dancing on the tips of his back hooves, "A giant sandcastle vacation home!?"

"A … sandcastle …?"

The three blinked, and then looked up to see the confused, young woman. Her bright red hair was so long that she had tied it around itself in the middle of her back while the rest hung to her thighs. She was wearing what the other people were sporting, a swimsuit – her own being a pink two-piece with blue polka dots.

Luffy abruptly stood, and took her hands with a smile, "Yeah, a big huge sandcastle for Vivi to live in! She'd really be a desert princess then!"

Her nervous expression then broke into a light, sunny smile, "That sounds wonderful!"

"Yeah!" Luffy sat back down, bringing her with him as he returned to the mound that he was calling a sandcastle, "Come on. Let's make a model one for Vivi!"

Chopper jumped up and down, "I want to make one too! For Vivi!"

As the other two went to work, Luffy worked closer with the doe-eyed redhead, smiling at her readily, and showing off his three-mounded sandcastle with the stick and leaf flags.

Giggling, she clapped her hands, "Wow, that looks great, Luffy-kun."

He snickered, "It's the best, right? Even better than Usopp's!"

She glanced up to look at Usopp's sandcastle with its six towers, and the long palisade surrounding the base while Usopp finished the moat, "Well, I wouldn't say that …"

Blinking, Luffy turned to inspect it before picking up a rock, and chucking it at the castle, "Enemy attack! Cannon fire!"

"Gyaaagh! Luffy, my castle! Why you …!"

Luffy pointed and laughed until Usopp's foot came down onto Luffy's mounds, "Aagh! My castle!"

"Suddenly, a giant attacks out of nowhere! He bellows his demands!" Usopp's head turned slowly to look at the other sandcastle architect over his shoulder, and he said in a low voice, "Reindeer meat."

Chopper hid behind his own castle mound backwards, "Aaaaagh! I'm not food!"

"I'll protect you, princess!" Taking the girl's hand, Luffy bolted to his feet, leading her away from the 'giant' and the poor doctor. Laughing in surprise, she stumbled a bit before catching up with him, and she ran along after him toward the water.

He stopped ankle-deep in the water, turning to face her, and she bumped into him in surprise at his abrupt halt. Luffy's lips spread into a long, broad smile, and the young woman's cheeks flushed as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Agh!? Luffy, what the hell are you doing!?" Parting the kiss, he looked up at the stunned Usopp with a grin before looking past him at his so-called fiancée.

It took him a moment to realize she did not seem as tan as everyone else did, and that she had paled to the very root of her toes. Her brows didn't cringe in pain or sorrow, yet they creased in confusion, and tears collected in her eyes, falling down her cheeks. As she turned to rush away from the beach, Luffy's stomach clenched painfully.

He moved to go after her, but an arm grew from his chest

Now terrified due to the sight of the arm in his chest, and shocked by the kiss, the young woman screamed, running down the beach. Luffy gaped at the arm in turn until it slapped him in the face.

!#&()+

_ANDTHECROWDGOESWILD._

**wippe: **_Whew, I thought you were going to call him a Super Saiyajin._

**harrypocky: **_THANKSFORREADING or something._

**LuNaFan: **_He's played his last and final card. Two more chapters to go._

**Yo: **_Eh … I'm not applying our rules to Oda's world. I posted something __**he**__ said. It's all water – baths, ocean, lakes, rivers – they all drown Devil Fruit Users._

!#&()+


	15. Assault

**The Gossips**

_Assault_

When he snapped his head back, he gaped, "Robin!?"

Another arm bloomed to slap the other cheek, and he stumbled back slightly while her arms vanished. Robin said, "Are you stupid?"

His mouth opened, but nothing exited, so then it slowly shut, still seeing the expression on Nami's face.

"Or just blind?"

Luffy lowered his head, clenching his hands into tight fists.

Usopp took a step toward Robin, and said, "Wait, you don't understand, Robin! This is what he wanted! He doesn't want to get married to Nami."

"That shit for brains would've made her miserable, Robin-chan. He's doing her a favor right now."

Her lids lowered, a different sadness going across her face, "She's been putting up with it for a while now."

"Putting up with …?" Luffy said in an echo, his voice cracking slightly, and he felt too young abruptly – like he was growing up all over again.

The older woman broke away from the gawking public and the crew, and started to walk back to the path that would lead to the docks. Luffy found his legs following her, trying to keep up while his limbs felt weak and heavy.

He tried again, saying as they walked, "What are you talking about? What did _she_ put up with?"

Robin stopped, and he hesitated just behind her when she said, "The gropes, the dirty words, and that _awful_ proposition on her dignity."

"_Coming to me in the dead of night, asking me _that_, and – and … smelling like something _died_ in your hair! Why do you expect me to comply?"_

Biting his lip hard, Luffy clutched at his stomach, "But she …"

"Why did you play with her feelings like that? She honestly thought you figured it out, and that was how you liked it."

Luffy began to feel sick.

"_Oh, good. It fits right in my hand."_

"_I really like how it fits, Captain."_

"She started it!" She turned to Luffy then, staring as he said, "Nami started it all! She – she went and got kidnapped, and Sanji saved her, but he's not her type, so Usopp said to be someone else, so – so I …"

She turned away, "Nami-chan thought she knew what you wanted, so she did her best to convince you. I tried to tell her what I heard late at night while you spoke to the others. How disappointed I was in you."

Luffy twitched, his eyes beginning to widen.

"She wanted to believe that you wanted her too."

"Robin … is that why she kept coming down to yell at us to shut up? So you couldn't tell her …?" When she didn't answer, Luffy moved to stand in front of her, "Robin! I didn't want to hurt her!"

"So why did you?"

"I … didn't mean to … she started it." She raised her eyes to look at him, and he dropped his eyes in turn, "I mean …"

"Luffy, she cares about you. Then you started touching her, asking her for personal items, or she'd find you sneaking into our room," Robin turned her face away from him. "How could you?"

He frowned, averting his eyes, "I didn't want …"

"To be married? To have human babies? Tell her exactly what you want, Luffy. I think she's heard enough lies now, don't you?"

Luffy tried to look for his cigarettes again before dropping his hands into fists, and he said, "I don't want her …"

!#&()+

"There he is," Zoro said, his eyes narrowing on the boy in the middle of the path. His thumbs were hooked into the hem of his swim trunks, and he glanced back over his shoulder over at them before looking ahead again.

"Oi, Luffy," Usopp said, "what's going on?"

Trotting up to his side, Chopper looked up at his face, "Luffy! Where did Robin go? Why did she hit you?"

"Sanji."

Blinking, Sanji raised his head to look at their captain, raising his curved brow, "The hell do you want, shitty rubber boy?"

"I gotta quit smoking." He said, "I feel like I can't stop shaking."

He looked down at Luffy's waist where he had his hands clenched while the thumbs were strapped under the hem, and he nodded after a moment, "I'll hide your packs. You only have a few?"

"Yeah, five in my locker, and I got another three in those pants I was wearing this morning …"

Usopp's jaw dropped, "How is that only a few!?"

"Luffy."

Looking down at Chopper, he said, "Yeah?"

"I can make something so you don't have to go through too much withdrawal. It'll help since you got addicted so fast."

He stared at him, and then got onto his haunches so they would be more eye-level, and Luffy said, "Hey, you kept saying something before. What were you talking about when you asked about … when I wanted babies?"

As the crew blanched behind the reindeer, Chopper's eyes widened, and he popped out of his normal-reindeer form, "Luffy! Don't let Nami name the human babies!"

He blinked, "Huh?"

"She can't name _anything_! Like Eyelashes and Scissors! She's terrible at naming, so don't let her name the human babies!"

"You can't be serious, shit for brains!"

"What about our deal!? You owe me all of those panties you bought!"

"Yohohoho! I'll start to practice the wedding music again!"

"Shut up! I'm not crying! Bwaaahaha! That's just too beautiful! But I'm not crying, you jerks!"

"Lu – Lu – Lu – Luffy! You're signing your death warrant! She's a cold-blooded witch that's just starved for cash!"

"Don't let her name them!"

Throwing his head back, Luffy began to laugh, "All right! Let's go back to _Sunny_ now!"

!#&()+

_Dehydration is no fun, you pissants._

**harrypocky: **_I am._

**LuNaFan: **_Yah, a very pretty butterfly. And I almost wasn't going to use that joke at all even though I think it's utterly hilarious. I couldn't find a place to fit it, but then, it just came out right there. So all is well again._

**wippe: **_HELLO, IMPOSTER. There, feel better now?_

!#&()+


	16. Intrusion

**The Gossips**

_Intrusion_

Luffy glowered at Sanji who only frowned, and pulled the pack away, "No, you said you were quitting."

"Just one!"

"Forget it," he said, lighting one of the cigarettes to smoke it himself. "You gave these to me, Luffy, so I'm not giving any to you. Understood?"

He twitched, staring at him and the cigarette before he turned away with a groan.

"It's your own fault," Usopp said, raising a brow at him.

Luffy returned to sorting through his clothes to toss out all the new ones he had bought.

"Eh? Hey, Straw Hat, you going to return those or what? What if your girl really did like 'em?" Blinking, Luffy looked at Franky.

"She's my girl?" His eyes widened, and he stood up straight just as the cigarette dropped from Sanji's gaping mouth, "She's my girl! Haha_ha_!"

Zoro and Usopp smacked the air, "You just realized!?"

"Hold it there, asswipe."

Brook stood in front of Sanji then, facing Luffy, "Yes, wait, I would still like a pair of those panties."

"Hey!"

Zoro raised his hand, "He can have a pair, but I want the rest."

"Shut your mouth, cactus!" Sanji punted the skeleton out of the way before stomping toward Luffy, "You can't say she's yours just yet! Nami-san's still upset with you. Remember, you got what you wanted. She's miserable now."

"I can fix that," he said.

"Don't say baseless things, halfwit!"

"I'll do it right now!" He said, "Nami doesn't need to miserable anymore!"

With such said, he turned to go, slamming the door shut behind him before he raced to the girls' room. When he poked his head in, and only saw Robin who smiled at him, he left to go search the other rooms.

He found her on the stern's balcony.

!#&()+

She blinked at the sight of him before turning to face the ocean, "It's fine. The joke's over, okay? The wedding's off."

"Okay."

Biting her lip, Nami put her hand on the railing to steady herself. She turned to go after a while, but stopped short when she realized Luffy was still standing there, "Luffy?"

He dropped to a knee, looking up at her as he said, "Nami, will you marry me?"

She blinked before she scowled, "What makes you think I'd marry you after all of that? I was so … humiliated! Is that what you like to do to girls, Luffy? Because I don't like it!"

"No! Nami, I was just pretending to act like a jerk!"

"Well, you sure fooled me! How is that supposed to make me feel any better!?"

Luffy stood up, still blocking her way out, and she hung back against the railing, watching where his hands were, "It's not. Usopp told me to act more like the others, but that didn't work, and he said I should tap your butt and stuff, but none of those helped either, and then he made me go ask for your panties, and that always got me into deeper trouble than all the others!"

Flushing in remembrance, she dropped her eyes, cinching her skirt down her thighs more. She said, "And you were trying to scare me away?"

"Yeah! I was supposed to make you miserable."

"Well, congratulations," she said, "you win. You don't have to make me go through all of that again just for some laugh or kick or … whatever. I won't go through that again, Luffy."

His voice quieted, "Nami, I'm not-"

"And you were like them," she said, lifting her eyes to look at him. "You acted just like them, Luffy. Drinking like Zoro, and asking for my panties like Brook …" She bit her lip before she said, "Sanji-kun's womanizing and cigarettes …"

"I quit," he said.

Her face turned angry, and she straightened as she clenched fists at her sides, "You think that makes up for everything!? You _humiliated_ me, Luffy!"

"Nami, I'm gonna be me again," Luffy said. "I know that I made you miserable, but I wasn't myself."

"You're just going to be yourself, and think that everything will go back the way it was? That can't happen," she said. "It'll never be the same again."

"I hope so."

She blanched, raising one of her fists, "What's that supposed to mean!?"

"Nami," he said, stepping forward, and her eyes widened, freezing. "I don't want you to _not be_ miserable."

Staring at him, she then shook her head, clutching at the sides of her head, "Luffy, that doesn't even make any sense. I keep telling you why you can't just do this anymore. It hurts."

"Tell me _how_. If _me being myself _doesn't make you not miserable, tell me what will."

"N-no," she said, "I'm telling you that I'm not putting up with it anymore. You won't see me dancing to your little tune anymore, mister! I've had it!"

His brow furrowed, and he stepped closer, making her edge back, "I'm not joking around, Nami."

"Stop it! You can't just start grabbing me again and think that'll do something for me because it doesn't. I'm not that kind of girl, Luffy."

"Then I'll grab you!"

"What'd I just say, you idiot!?"

Luffy surged forward, lifting up his hands to reach for her, and she flinched away, holding up her hands protectively, "Kyah!"

!#&()+

_Oi, oi, oi._

**LuNaFan: **_Like I said before it's harder and harder to tell who's "gay" because I see straight guys wearing such tight clothes too. Also, here's another train whatsit for you. I'm not a man._

**Yo: **_You'll see how it all ends in the next chapter, I suppose._

!#&()+


	17. Engagement

**The Gossips**

_Engagement_

He had grabbed her hands after she had held them up for protection, and she attempted to struggle, and push him away, but he was persistent, squeezing her hands tightly so he wouldn't release them. She stood there, shaking with her eyes shut tight, and her face turned away, holding his hands tightly to keep them from grabbing anything more.

Yet, Luffy smiled slowly.

Nami's eyes fluttered open after a moment, facing him then with her big, brown eyes since he hadn't reached for anything else.

"If Nami is miserable," he said then, "I want to be miserable with her. I don't want her … to be unhappy all by herself."

"Luffy," she said with a sigh, "what does that even mean? I don't want either of us to be upset. Please, just forget about it – you don't have to pretend for me. It'd just make it worse."

"Nami, I wanna be together."

Beginning to shake her head, she dropped her gaze, "No, it's not possible. We don't fit."

Luffy frowned, and squeezed her hands gently since their fingers had yet to separate. He said, "That's not true. You see? You fit right in my hands."

She blinked, lifting her eyes to said hands between them, and her lips parted slightly in awe, "Luffy."

"And I don't want everything to be the same again because that'd mean we wouldn't be together," when he squeezed her hands again, her own tightened around his, and Luffy smiled, feeling warmth flood through him from the little embrace.

"I like …" she smiled then as her eyes filled with tears, "I like how they fit, Captain."

Laughing, he bent down to kiss the back of her hands, "Nami, marry me."

Nami smiled vibrantly, clutching tighter to his hands, "I will … But, Luffy? Do … Is that the kind of thing you like? The way you were touching me before?"

His cheeks turned almost purple at the memories, "It was … It didn't feel right …" Luffy looked down at their intertwined fingers before he smiled at her through his blush, "We'll find out what does feel right though."

Beaming warmly, she pushed him back and off the balcony into the aquarium bar. As he landed back onto the couch running along the fish tank, she straddled his lap as he blushed darkly. Nami said, "I want to see how the rest of us fits."

Luffy blinked before he smiled, and hugged her tight, their foreheads touching as he said, "Shishishi! You mean like this, Nami? I like it – do you?"

Her voice bubbled with laughter, and he felt like he was drowning again, so he went up for air, kissing her firmly.

!#&()+

When he returned to the men's bunk with slightly more wild hair, and a grinning, pink face, Sanji fell to his knees with a thud, and wailed.

"This cannot be!"

With a snicker, Luffy licked his bottom lip, turning to his locker to exchange his shirt for a long nightshirt.

Usopp whooped, pumping his fist into the air, "All right, Luffy!"

Franky gave him two thumbs up, "Nice, Straw Hat. So did you find the clitoris all right?"

Slamming their feet down, Sanji and Luffy frowned at him, "Nami(-san)'s not that kind of girl!"

Sanji blinked then, and looked at him, "Ah? Really?"

When Luffy just grinned at him, he fell to his knees again, pulling at his hair to bemoan.

Turning to his locker, he started sorting through the panties he bought before picking out the few nice, cotton ones, and tossing the bag at the sleeping swordsman, "Share some with Brook."

"Eh? Why're keeping those ones? Cheapskate," said Zoro with a deep frown when he rubbed his eyes awake.

"Well, Nami never said if she didn't like getting panties as a gift or not, so I'm saving 'em." He showed them to Brook and Franky, "These are nice ones, right?"

Sanji slapped the air, "They're not the experts! They're perverts!"

The two smiled, and waved at him bashfully, "Well, if you put it that way …!"

"That's not a compliment!"

Snickering, Luffy hopped into his bunk with a pair to show Usopp instead while Sanji steamed at the two. He said, "And if she doesn't like it, Zoro can just have the rest."

"Mmm? What's the point in giving her panties you won't see? You said she's not that kind of girl," he said.

"Shishishi! I'll see her wear 'em when I'm King of the Pirates though," Luffy beamed happily, putting the pair under his pillow. "Oh, yeah!" He sat up then, pointing at Zoro and Sanji who both blinked at the finger, "I'm jumping into the ocean tomorrow, so you better watch me."

"Eeh!?" Usopp sat up, his voice shaking, "Lu-Luffy! What's that supposed to mean!?"

Sanji said first, "You need someone else to take your place on the schedule?" Throwing his head back, Zoro laughed wildly, slapping his knee in his hysterics. Sanji continued, "Wait, this means we're going to have to do a complete rearrangement of it! This'll take weeks to revise with our luck!"

"Don't worry, one minute, you'll find the time."

"Shut your trap, moss ball!"

"Make me, prince!"

Luffy turned back to a tired-looking Usopp with a smiling face, "Man, I can't wait until I'm the Pirate King!"

Chopper hopped into his bunk then, smiling up at him, "Luffy! So you're going have human babies with Nami? _You're_ naming them, right?"

"Right!" Standing up in his bunk, this caused Sanji and Zoro to pause in their exchange to look up at him, "Monkey D. Rex!"

The reindeer wilted, "Maybe the crew could name the human babies …"

"Monkey D. Elton is super!"

"Ah, perhaps, we could name him Monkey D. Ulysses the Third."

Usopp and Sanji slapped the air, "He'd be the first!"

Brook's skull tilted, "The first what?"

"Monkey D. Triton!"

Zoro stood then, drawing his blade from its sheathe to hold before his face, "Monkey D. Summer Mountain Stream."

"We're not naming a sword! It's a baby!"

"Monkey D. Rex!"

"You already said that!"

!#&()+

"_Tell her exactly what you want, Luffy. I think she's heard enough lies now, don't you?"_

_Luffy tried to look for his cigarettes again before dropping his hands into fists, and he said, "I don't want her …"__ He looked up then, clenching his fists tightly, "I don't want her to be unhappy! If she's not happy, how can I be happy!?"_

Robin's ear disappeared from the wall then as she smiled tenderly. She looked at Nami then, "Do you want to know what they're talking about?"

Looking up from her pillow, Nami blushed red, and shook her head slowly, "I don't want him to think he's lost my trust, and … I would never want to lose his."

"I see," Robin said with a smile.

There was sudden, loud, uproarious laughter from below, and Nami turned a frown at the floor as if they could see it. She huffed, "I just wish they'd keep quiet at night, and let a girl sleep!"

Turning to her book to pick it up again, Robin reclined into her chair again with a more amused smile, "Yes, they are quite the gossips."

!#&()+

**THE END**

!#&()+

_And that's the stupid joke about the title I've been holding in for seventeen chapters._

**LuNaFan: **_I usually do that. Something fun for me turned into something more drama-ish towards the end, but they usually turn out all right._

**Yo: **_Well, I was intending for it all to be cleared up in this chapter, so hopefully, you get it now._

!#&()+


End file.
